


All My Heart This Night Rejoices

by Darkshines1984



Category: Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-01 03:17:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16276781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkshines1984/pseuds/Darkshines1984
Summary: A year on from the last time we saw the Caroline and Gillian – the two women are spending plenty of time together, but they seem to be stuck in a routine that neither knows how to get out of. Both are battling their feelings in silence and everyone around them is baffled about how they remain oblivious and single – even Celia! Can the season of goodwill change that?





	1. Go Tell it to the Mountain

Caroline stood, leant on a half full shopping trolley, gazing at the various types of Christmas pudding on offer at her local Marks and Spenser. It was the day before Christmas Eve and the shop was heaving. It was far later than she would usually do the bulk of her Christmas shopping – she’d even had to settle on a supermarket turkey rather than ordering one. It was all very disorganised and rather indicative of the fact she had little desire to host a big family Christmas meal.

Her relationship with her sons is a bit of a disaster zone. Lawrence and she had been messy and strained ever since she had come out and although her and William got on very well, he was distant and aloof now he was in University. Plus, he and Lawrence rubbed each other up the wrong way constantly when they were all under one roof. In many ways Lawrence was more like his father and William more like her – and that marriage had been a barrel of laughs.

Lawrence was also very good at offending Greg, who was spending Christmas day with the family because of Flora. She always wondered what Greg made of these family gathering’s – whether he felt like he was entering a mad house. It wasn’t just arguing sons – they were nothing compared to her bloody mother.

She loves her mother – she really does – but she drove Caroline utterly mental. She could be rude, dismissive, interfering and at times outright homophobic. She had been more bearable (other than the homophobia) since embarking in her late life romance with Alan. That relationship had brought another dynamic to the Christmas table.

Alan’s grandson would be there with his young daughter and girlfriend. Raff was an intelligent young man, but Ellie was easy fodder for Lawrence’s insistent prodding. At Alan’s last birthday party that had nearly caused a fist fight between Raff and Lawrence. Although after the moment was diffused they had both managed to be polite to one another.

A family meal would also bring Gillian to her home. Not that it was a rare occurrence. They usually met for lunch on a Sunday, but it was rare a week went by without them ending up at one of their respective houses on a Friday night – usually ingesting copious amounts of wine and putting the world to right. Gillian had been one of the only things (other that Flora) that had kept her sane over the last couple of years. Their friendship had blossomed after a rocky start (a term that was probably an understatement) and several bumps along the way.

Time spent alone together had changed Caroline’s perspective of the other woman. She’d always thought of Gillian as a beautiful disaster with a good heart, but this last year had shown how steadfast and reliable the other woman could be. Perhaps they were both finally growing up a little too. Caroline had given up on the disastrous string of young lesbian lovers and Gillian hadn’t slept with anyone for over twelve months. A fact that caused great amusement when they were both drunk (they had even affectionately christened her the worst whore in Yorkshire). Despite the jokes though, Gillian seemed more comfortable in her own skin than Caroline had ever seen her. It suited the farmer. It made her harder and harder for Caroline to ignore.

And Caroline had tried to ignore the growing feelings she had for her step sister – desperately. They were not new exactly – she’d always been a bit attracted to Gillian – ever since that night their parents got themselves locked in at the hall and no one knew where they were. It had opened her eyes up to another side of Gillian, other than her initial rather snobby judgements. There had been Kate then. Kate who made a lot more sense – an educated, well spoken woman of the same profession. Kate who was kind, gentle, patient, open and loving. Caroline had immersed herself in that love and didn’t regret it despite the tragedy of Kate’s death. She had been happy for a brief time and felt all the richer for that experience.

Gillian had quietly crept up on her since then – chipping away at her walls and defences. She had gradually fallen more and more in love with the farmer until she felt like she could barely draw breath around her. Sometimes, when Gillian was being particularly attentive or physically affectionate (something that occurred more and more nowadays), Caroline’s chest physically ached. How she had managed not to blurt something out whilst under the influence of alcohol was a minor miracle – especially when Gillian focused those soulful eyes on her.

All those looks and touches confused Caroline. A hand on her own or her arm as they spoke, Gillian resting her head against her shoulder as they sat on the sofa – a hand resting on Caroline’s knee, a gentle hand splayed against her back as they stood and conversed with other people, hugs hello and goodbye that lingered. She wanted to read into these moments – wanted to see them as signs that Gillian returned her feelings. The other woman had never said anything though and Gillian certainly had a loose tongue when drunk. So, Caroline could only presume that it was Gillian’s way of expressing her friendship and perhaps was seeking a little physical comfort that she no longer looked for in more audacious places.

Caroline had no idea how long she had been blocking other people’s access to the Christmas Puddings - or how long she would have continued to do so if her phone hadn’t started ringing and broke her reverie. She scrambled around her bag until she found it - speak of the devil – it was Gillian ringing. Caroline smiled at the contact picture lighting up her screen. It was a selfie that Gillian had taken half way up a mountain on the farm. They had gone for a walk to escape their parents (under the pretence of checking on some lambs) and had ended up looking particularly windblown. It had delighted Gillian and she had taken photographic evidence. Caroline had been a reluctant participant at the time but despite their dishevelled appearance she loved the picture. They both looked surprisingly chipper, especially Gillian, whose smile practically took up her whole face. It was lovely. She was lovely. Caroline sighed longingly at the picture before swiping to answer the call.

“Do you want plain Christmas pudding with just brandy in it or one of these fancy ones with other flavours?” she asked before her step sister even had a chance to speak.

“You know my rule, if I can’t pronounce the name of it then I am not eating it” Gillian replied smoothly – her reply drawing a silly grin from Catherine despite her public location.

She was aware of Gillian’s preference for food that didn’t sound pretentious. Caroline had found a way around it on the occasions she did cook for Gillian by calling meals by a descriptive term. For example, she had referred to ragout as French beef stew. Any protests about fancy French food were eradicated when Caroline had produced a fancy French red wine to match. Apparently, Gillian’s issue with foreign words she couldn’t pronounce didn’t extend to alcohol. There was nothing pretentious about a glass of Beaujolais.

“I’ll get a normal brandy one” Catherine conceded.

There was a grunt of approval from the other end of the phone, something that should and would be attractive from other women. She was so far down the rabbit hole though that from Gillian it was almost endearing.

“Hello by the way” the other woman quipped.

Caroline couldn’t help but smile again at the slight reproach in Gillian’s voice for the lack of a proper greeting. It wasn’t like they were usually sticklers for formality – often Caroline would answer a call and be greeted with ‘come over and bring wine’ or ‘today has been shit can I come over?’. Gillian usually rang with a purpose, whereas Caroline would often ring purely to chat about everything and nothing. She had found that listening to the farmer talk was therapeutic, as was telling Gillian about her own day – good or bad.     

“Hi” she softly replied.

Caroline knew the affection she felt for Gillian had bled into her voice – unmistakably so – as it so often did. How others hadn’t noticed her internal warfare over the other woman she did not know. She often felt like her feelings were there like a neon sign above her head saying ‘smitten’. No one was really paying her much attention though anymore and Gillian usually appeared to be oblivious.

“What time do you want us there tomorrow – no not tomorrow – the next day? Is the next day Christmas?” the other woman began to babble.

“Its not like Easter Gillian” Caroline said (a little more condescendingly than intended) - “It doesn’t change dates each year.”

She didn’t know why she did that – poke at the other woman like that. Gillian had always been adept at poking and prodding back. Once upon a time any condescension on Caroline’s part risked causing offence but usually Gillian took it good naturedly now. It was part of their banter but there were times that Caroline knew she had unintendedly hit a nerve or pulled the scab off an old wound.

“Snotty bitch” Gillian chuckled – it was her favourite pet name for Caroline – indicating no offence had been taken.

Caroline turned her attention to the question again, this time taking it seriously. They wouldn’t be eating until three in the afternoon and she had tried to convince her mother that her and Alan shouldn’t trouble themselves and could arrive at a leisurely pace in the early afternoon. Celia had simply said ‘nonsense’ and that she was sure she could help prepare for the meal. Several hours trapped alone with her mother in the kitchen just didn’t appeal to her.

“Come as soon as you can” Caroline encouraged the farmer – “the earlier the better so you can save me from my mother.”

“And there was I thinking you were just keen to see me” Gillian jested.

 _If only you knew how true that actually was,_ Caroline thought to herself. Truthfully, she would have told Gillian to come as early as possible regardless of their parent’s arrival time.

“That too” she replied affectionately.

Caroline was also looking forward to exchanging gifts with Gillian. She had found the perfect gift for the other woman – well to be exact she had found two perfect gifts. Gillian was probably going to kill her for spending so much but in her defence, one present was really for both women to use at Gillian’s farm house. She noticed that the other woman had gone quiet on the other end of the phone. Caroline was about to ask if Gillian was okay when the farmer started talking again.

“I better go” Gillian sighed sadly - “I’ve got shit loads to do over the two days if I am going to have a full day off on Christmas.”

Caroline couldn’t help but smile again at Gillian’s words. The other woman’s idea of a full day off was a little different from Caroline’s. She had invited the other woman to stay Christmas Eve right through to boxing day, but Gillian had reluctantly declined because she would have to feed the sheep hay on Christmas morning before driving to Huddersfield. Caroline didn’t count waking up at six on Christmas morning to feed some bleating walking woolly jumpers in the freezing cold as ‘a day off’. Gillian was staying over on Christmas night at least - but would have to leave mid-morning to feed those damn sheep again.

“I suppose I should go too” Caroline admitted as she glanced around her surroundings for the first time since answering the phone – “I think I’m pissing the other last-minute shoppers off because I’m blocking half the aisle.”

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Gillian ended the call and stuffed her phone back in the deep right pocket of her navy overalls. She had been stood just outside of her house balancing on the wall as she spoke to her step sister, having held off calling her until lunch time. It was pathetic really, how she craved Caroline’s attention – she even craved the sound of her voice. Ridiculous - because as well as they now got on they were poles apart. Caroline was probably swanning around Marks and bloody Spenser or Waitrose dressed to the nines and looking flawless. Meanwhile there she was, in tatty jeans and a jumper, covered by overalls with mud (and probably sheep shit) smeared down the front of it.  They were from two different worlds and she was dreaming if she ever thought Caroline would want her in any way other than a dysfunctional friend.

Yet hope sprung eternal – especially when Caroline wanted to spend time with her and spoke to her in that soft affectionate voice. Then there was the way Caroline looked at her sometimes – like she really mattered. Those moments, when Caroline’s guard came down – made Gillian weak at the knees. She always found herself reaching for Caroline in some way – relieved that although the blonde wasn’t the kind of person to initiate affection – that she received it and accepted it well enough.

That affection came with its own price for Gillian though because she now knew the feel and weight of Caroline’s hand in her own. How soft her skin was – not just on her hand but on her forearms and her cheeks. She had brushed thumb across one cheek once, under the pretence of brushing off a little flour that had landed there when Caroline was baking. The feeling had tortured her for weeks. She would lay in bed at night wondering how it would feel to cup both of the blonde’s cheeks in her hands. How it would feel to then draw Caroline forward and kiss those lips she admired so damn much. Only, Gillian wasn’t brave enough to dare find out – too scared of losing what they had. So instead she tried to be content with what little contact she could justify without making Caroline suspicious, because her life was richer for having the other woman in it - in any capacity.

She tried to shake away thoughts of the stunning blonde before turning on her heels and heading inside the house. Raff and Ellie had brought Calamity to see her and had cooked some soup for lunch. Despite the fact she was busy it was a nice distraction, even if it would only be a short lived one. They would no doubt be gone in an hour and then the next time she would see them was Christmas day.

“Was that Caroline you called?” Raff asked as she entered the house.

He was just in the process of scooping the piping hot soup into bowls. It was some sort of fresh chunky supermarket vegetable soup. It smelt nice enough and they had bought a fresh crusty loaf to go with it.

“Yeah why?” Gillian replied as she untied the laces on her work boots and kicked them off.

“It just…figures” Raff chortled.

Her son directed a conspiratorial grin in the direction of Ellie, who was sat ready at the set dining table with their daughter. The look made Gillian pause awkwardly just a few feet away from the table, zip half down on her overalls. He did that sometimes – made comments or gave her looks that suggested he knew that she was lusting after her bloody step sister. But then he never asked or brought it up seriously in conversation. So, Gillian pushed the feeling of unease aside, peeled the top half of her overalls down so they were hanging around her waist and took one of the two remaining seats at the table.

“This is nice” Gillian thanked her son as he placed a full bowl of the soup in front of her.

The loaf was sat on a plate, whole, in the middle of the table. Ellie reached for it and tore a big chunk of bread away, ready to dip it into her own bowl of soup. Gillian wondered what Caroline would make of such savagery. When they had ate homemade bread with a stew the blonde had prepared at home and brought with her to reheat, Caroline had sliced the loaf, buttered it and quartered each slice. The pieces had been neatly lined up on a plate for them to pick at. Gillian was more used to this rough and ready type dining that Raff had provided but it was nice to be at the receiving end of the amount of thought and effort Caroline would put into their meals together.

“She said we can turn up as early as we like on Christmas day” Gillian piped up as she was waiting for her soup to cool.

Apparently, she had the blonde on the brain because she seemed to just jump straight from one Caroline related thought to another. Raff flashed Ellie that annoying knowing glance again, causing the young woman to smirk. Although she did valiantly try to hide her amusement behind the piece of bread she was holding. Gillian’s right foot began to gently tap against the floor – something it often did when she was nervous. It was a tell that Caroline had learnt, making it even harder for Gillian to hide anything from her. Raff seemed to notice her discomfort too and he schooled his look from stupid smirk to straight laced almost instantly.

“I think she probably meant you rather than us mum” her son said kindly.

Part of her wanted to protest that Caroline wouldn’t mind them all turning up early (and she was sure the other woman genuinely wouldn’t) but part of her just liked the idea that Caroline wanted to spend the most sizable chunk of Christmas with her.

“We’ll get there at about two if that’s okay, but you should definitely get their early and spend the day with her” Raff continued – almost as if he could read her mind.

 Gillian nodded and looked down at her soup. It would be nice to get to Caroline’s before everyone else. She’d probably feel self-conscious exchanging gifts in front of everyone. She had gone rather overboard this year with Caroline’s present – spent more than she should or really could afford. One of the local farmers markets also had local crafts and businesses. There was a lady there who made real sterling silver jewellery. She had seen it earlier in the year and thought it was the sort of stuff that Caroline would like but then, when perusing the stall in the December market, she saw the most perfect item. It was a hammered silver cuff bracelet – quite plain really – but elegant and beautiful just like its intended owner.

Gillian didn’t know what Caroline would make of the gift and she certainly didn’t know what anyone else would make of it. She’d spend as much on Caroline as she had Raff and Calamity – more than she’d spent on her dad who had is customary warm jumper. It wasn’t a subtle gesture of her affection – it was a probably a public service announcement. She had contemplated getting a second gift in case she bottled it and didn’t brave giving Caroline the bracelet. Unless she ran out to the shops this afternoon (which she didn’t have time for), that would no longer be an option.

“Calamity is excited for Christmas aren’t you” Ellie spoke up – breaking the silence that had descended upon them as they started to eat.

The four-year-old suddenly burst into life, telling Gillian all the things she had asked Santa for in her letter.


	2. Hymn for Christmas Day

 Flora had been awake since seven in the morning – eager to open gifts. The family gifts would be arriving with their guests but there were plenty of things from Caroline herself for the youngster to open. Flora had been thrilled and had barely given her a moments peace for what felt like hours. In fact, it was nearly ten in the morning and Caroline was still in her warm chequered pyjama’s and grey dressing gown. She hadn’t had time to get dressed yet, never mind start preparing the family dinner.

Caroline was just starting to regret not asking her mother to come early (and actively dissuading her to do so) when the front door bell rang. She left Flora playing with her new magnetic drawing board – ironically the cheapest but currently the most well received of her gifts – and made her way to entrance hall. She didn’t expect anyone quite this early but whoever it was would be well received if they could keep Flora busy long enough for her to actually get dressed for the day.

“Hi…Merry Christmas” Gillian greeted as soon as Caroline opened the door.

 The farmer was holding two bags of gifts, but it wasn’t the presents that caught Caroline’s attention – it was the other woman’s outfit. Gillian was wearing smart black pants and an emerald green silky looking blouse, finished off with a little black jacket that she was wearing open despite the chilly December weather. The colour of the shirt really suited Gillian and its fit was slimline and very complimentary. The neckline dipped to show off a generous bit of cleavage whilst still being very tasteful. Gillian was a step down from her, which gave Caroline an even more impressive view than was probably meant to be afforded to her.

“You look great” she complimented the other woman honestly.

“You look like you only just got out of bed” Gillian replied with a smirk – “Not that the look doesn’t suit you…but then you always look great.”

The confidence in the farmers voice drained as she spoke, and Caroline smiled at Gillian’s awkward babbling. On impulse, she leant forward and pressed an affectionate kiss on the other woman’s temple just below her hairline. She didn’t immediately straighten up completely – choosing to lean forward against the doorframe so their faces where only a few inches apart. Gillian was wearing a little make up too – nothing extreme, just a bit of foundation, eye liner and mascara. She was wearing a pleasant fruity perfume, but Gillian always had an underlying earthy smell that Caroline found comforting.

“It’s good to see you” she grinned.

It was all probably very over eager considering they had met up with each other just five days before for some last-minute Christmas Shopping and a coffee. Caroline had realised she was in deep at some point over the summer when a few days suddenly started to seem like an awful long time. Gillian was about to respond – her eyes locked on Caroline’s – when a joyful shriek from the living room made them both jump slightly.

“I have a very excited toddler” Caroline sighed.

She stepped aside and let the other woman into the house. Reaching for the bags Gillian was carrying so she could take them up to her room and out of sight of Flora. Otherwise she’d want to open her gift of Gillian now and they really should wait until everyone was here before exchanging presents. Gillian stripped herself of her jacket and hung it up, following Caroline into the house.

“Go get yourself ready” the other woman encouraged with a gentle hand on her forearm – “let auntie Gillian entertain her for a bit.”

‘Auntie Gillian’ was very adept at spoiling Flora soft, something that Caroline always found heart-warming and endearing to watch.

“Thank you” she said earnestly.

Gillian dropped her hand back to her side and started to walk in the direction of the living room. Caroline allowed herself the luxury of watching her, admiring the fit of both the shirt and the black trousers, until she realised she hadn’t returned the other woman’s initial greeting.

“Oh, and Gillian?” she called.

The smaller woman swung around and smiled questioningly at her.

“Merry Christmas” Caroline grinned.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

By the time Caroline came back down the stairs her mother and Alan had arrived – apparently having paid no heed to her attempts at getting them to arrive in the early afternoon. Gillian had made them a pot of tea which they were taking in the living room whilst watching Flora play. Alan was very good with children and was encouraging the three-year-old in her attempts at putting the magnetic jigsaw pieces of a giraffe together.

Caroline greeted them both with a hug whilst Gillian went to the Lotus to retrieve their presents for them and took them up to Caroline’s room. It was quite the domestic set up – Gillian was so used to being in her home now that the other woman was able to potter around completing tasks without having to ask where anything was. The same was true of Caroline at the farm – she even knew where Gillian’s secret stash of cigarette’s where.

Caroline made her way through to the kitchen and started to get all the equipment she needed out to prepare the potatoes and the vegetables. The turkey was already in the oven – she’d managed that shortly before Gillian arrived – but there was an awful lot to do to prepare a huge roast for nine adults and two children. She noticed a few bottles of wine and a crate of lager that hadn’t been there before. Gillian had obviously been out to the Land Rover at some point to retrieve the drink for the day. The farmer had insisted on paying for something and not letting their parents and Caroline entirely foot the bill.

Caroline heard the other woman padding back down the stairs, clad in only her socks now she was back in the house. Gillian didn’t go back into the living room with the others though and came straight into the kitchen. She looked positively radiant – so much happier than their last Christmas together.

“I didn’t expect you this early, but I am very glad you are here” Caroline admitted - “you must have fed the sheep at the crack of dawn?!”

Gillian leant against the corner of the kitchen unit, watching Caroline empty a pack of potatoes onto the counter.

“I thought I could help you with the food – it seems unfair that you should do it all on your own” the farmer replied.

Caroline watched as Gillian unbuttoned the cuffs of her blouse and rolled her sleeves up her forearm. The mere sight of the material moving up the other woman’s skin shouldn’t seem so sensual but then Caroline considered that she was probably jealous. What she wouldn’t give to slide her hands up the strong muscles on Gillian’s arms and cling to her body just like that cheap green shirt had the pleasure of doing. It was rather frustrating that the inanimate object was gifted that luxury.

It was apparent that Gillian was planning to wash and peel the potatoes – a task Caroline was happy to delegate her way. Where Caroline had found the notion of her mother helping as unappealing – to have her totally underfoot for the afternoon, an afternoon of working side by side with Gillian felt like a cause for celebration. In all likelihood, they would spend half the time bickering, but she had long since realised that their verbal sparring was mainly for show now. It was just part of their dynamic.

“Crack open one of those bottles then and pour us a glass” Caroline ordered.

“Yes ma’am” Gillian responded dryly.

Despite the sarcasm, the other woman did exactly as instructed.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Gillian’s plan of giving Caroline her gift early had gone out the window as soon as their parents stupidly expensive car pulled up in the driveway. So, unless she snuck it into the kitchen with her – which would surely be too obvious – then Caroline would be opening it in front of the whole family. She had decided against the kitchen option, worried that it would just highlight how significant the gift was that she wanted to present it alone. Instead she had went empty handed into the kitchen and offered to help her step sister cook.

Gillian wasn’t normally first in the queue to offer her culinary services – and no doubt her skills wouldn’t be up to Caroline’s standards of excellence. Happily, the other woman had found her several simple jobs to complete that she couldn’t possibly fuck up. These included potato, carrot, parsnip and turnip peeling – a task she excelled at – apart from the two times she nicked the skin between her thumb and forefinger. She partly blamed Caroline for that though. The other woman was a constant distraction – the way she moved around the room so smoothly in her low heels and her black dress. No one should look sexy when they are chopping carrots but somehow the blonde managed it effortlessly. It was almost criminal.

After finishing the peeling, she polished of the last mouthful of wine in her large glass and inspected her wounds. They had both stopped bleeding, but they stung a bit, like a niggling papercut. She looked up when she felt Caroline approach her. The other woman stopped just in front of her, effectively pinning her against the sink unit, and grasped the wrist of her injured hand. Gillian watched the other woman as she checked the injury. She desperately tried to regulate her breathing and heart rate – tried not to show any signs of attraction or arousal at Caroline’s proximity. It was working until the blonde lifted her hand higher and placed an affectionate kiss over the small nicks.

Gillian’s breath hitched in her throat and her legs felt weak – like they were made of jelly. Caroline’s eyes flicked up from their hands to Gillian’s face, her blue expressive eyes glinting in the bright kitchen lights. She looked so beautiful and she was so so close. Gillian wanted to lean forward and kiss her – wanted to pull Caroline’s body flush to her own. It was like an invisible thread was pulling her towards the beautiful blonde. Then, to Gillian’s frustration the moment was shattered.

“Do you girls need any help in here?” Celia asked as she wandered into the kitchen.

Caroline had straightened up just enough for them not to look too suspicious. Not that anything had happened – it may have just been Gillian’s head. Caroline was probably just being nice.

“I think we are alright thanks mum” the blonde responded.

As she spoke Caroline shifted away from Gillian – to the side of her – where she picked up the bottle of wine and topped up both glasses. She placed the empty wine bottle down and picked up her glass, taking a sip before looking turning her body in Celia’s direction – daring her mother to comment.

“Hmmm try not to be too sloshed before we even eat” the elder lady muttered – disapproval evident in her voice.

Caroline looked coiled, ready for a fight, so Gillian interceded.

“Roger that Celia” she replied cheerfully, grasping her own wine glass and raising it like a toast to the other woman.

Celia grunted in disapproval and shook her head. Her step mum had obviously decided they were both a lost cause because she turned and left the kitchen without another word. When Caroline turned back to Gillian her expression was adorned with a wicked smirk. Neither had a chance to comment before the next distraction. This was a more pleasant interruption – the arrival of Caroline’s eldest son.

“Hi mum!” William called as he entered the house.

Gillian followed Caroline out into the hallway as he continued to greet family members. It was nice to see the way Caroline’s face had lit up and the sound of his voice. She knew the other woman missed him something chronic now he lived away from home.

“Hi gran, hi Alan” William effused – “hi Gillian.”

It was nice that her greeted her with such enthusiasm when he spotted her too. He was a very likable lad although a bit to observant for his own good. Gillian was sure that he had clocked her gazing at Caroline at family BBQ at the end of the summer she’d been convinced into hosting at the farm. He hadn’t said anything, but there had been a sort of knowing look in his eyes and the way he smiled at her as he left that evening. He probably pitied her for falling for his mother’s charms despite being totally out of her depth. Like watching that old Disney movie – the Lady and the Tramp. It didn’t take three guesses to work out which one of her and Caroline fitted those roles.

“Is Lawrence not with you?” the aforementioned blonde asked her son - “I thought you were picking him up from the station?”

“Oh, he’s here, and as charming as ever” William chuckled.

Caroline’s sons couldn’t have been more poles apart if they tried. William had his mothers’ good qualities and one or two of John’s better qualities (of which there was a short supply). Lawrence on the other hand – well he’d been left with most of John’s bad qualities, topped off with his mothers’ hard edge. He could swing from being witty and charming one moment to outright rude and cruel the next. William barely seemed to be able to get on with him anymore and he annoyed Gillian’s own son no end.

Just as Caroline had finished hugging William the front door opened again. Lawrence entered with far less enthusiasm or bluster and quietly shrugged his coat off and hung it up.

“Hey” he muttered by way of a greeting when he realised the hallway was full of people.

Caroline hugged him just as keenly as she had William but her youngest son’s response was far more muted. He looked over her shoulder and glanced at who was present, looking unsurprised to see Celia and Alan. When his eyes fell upon her though his expression changed to a sort of unpleasant amusement. That look when people’s upper lip curl upwards in a cross between a smirk and a snarl. She’d never gotten the impression her thought much of her, but he’d been even ruder the last couple of times the family had come together for an occasion – both to Gillian and to her son. For Caroline’s sake she put up with him, although keeping Raff calm had proven to be a harder challenge. She only hoped they could both be on their best behaviour today. Gillian had never taken much of an interest in Christmas before – not since she was a child – but she had been quietly looking forward to this one for weeks.

“Would you like a drink?” Caroline offered the two boys – “Gillian bought a crate of Stella for you.”

“Great” Lawrence said unenthusiastically, before heading into the living room.

Caroline watched him walk away with a morose look. Gillian couldn’t stand seeing her look like that – there had been months and months of that sadness after Kate’s death but within the last year that misery had all but lifted. It pained Gillian to see that darkness fall again so she excused herself to the kitchen to fetch them a bottle each.

When Caroline had returned to the kitchen her mood had lifted again, aided by William’s presence. He sat on the far counter with his lager and recounted some of the things that had been happening to him in the last few weeks since he had seen his mother. It was a pleasant soundtrack to work to as the two women had set about placing the various vegetable on oven trays.

Greg had been the next person to arrive and was now playing with Flora in the living room. The last group to arrive, as expected, was Raff, Ellie and Calamity Jane. They arrived just before two – just as Caroline and Gillian had finished everything they could prepare for that moment in time. With everything ever roasting or slowly simmering on the stove it left them half an hour before they were needed in the kitchen again. The three of them headed through to join the others in the living room. Caroline and Gillian had already cracked open a second bottle of wine whilst cooking and took the last of it through with them. The steady pace of their drinking had left Gillian still sober but pleasantly buzzed. One look at the crowded living room made her wonder if more wine should have been consumed before this point.


	3. Here is Joy for Every Age

Caroline had been worried that the whole day was going to go sour when Lawrence had turned up in a sullen mood. To his credit though he had picked up since cracking open the lager and was being pleasant enough. He’d almost passed as polite over dinner, passing the vegetables and gravy around in a civilised manner and occasionally joining in with conversation.

Most of the conversation had been centred around the two youngsters, Flora and Calamity, whose shear excitement lifted everyone’s spirits. There hadn’t been time before food to open the family presents – most of which were hidden in Caroline’s room or still in people’s cars. So, after everyone had finished their Christmas pudding (or chocolate trifle for the two toddlers and Ellie) Alan had suggested they all collect the bags from the various locations and reconvene in the living room.

William had offered to bring the bags from upstairs, so Caroline had set about the task of loading the dishwasher with whatever she could. Gillian had done a marvellous job of cleaning a lot of the oven trays as Caroline had transferred the food to the serving dishes. She’d even managed to plate the leftovers together in as few plates as possible and cover them whilst Caroline served desert. It had all felt very domestic between them, except John had never been that useful in all the Christmases they had spent together. Or any of the time they had spent together for that matter. In fact, Caroline had to practically push Gillian out of the kitchen to stop her cleaning the remaining serving dishes before they opened the presents.

“Here we are!” Alan said enthusiastically as the two women entered the living room.

They were the last people to arrive in the room, so the only seating left was on the floor with the children. Alan and Celia sat on the sofa to the left, William and Lawrence on the one in the centre and Ellie and Raff were on two spare chairs she had found and managed to fit on a space to the right of the room. Gary was sat on the floor with Flora, so Caroline collected her bag of gifts and sat down rather gingerly on some large cushions she had laid out on the floor. She had rather hoped the boys would sit there – but no such look. Gillian grabbed her two bags of gifts and sat down next to her – using the arm of the sofa Alan and Celia were sat on to prop herself up.

Caroline didn’t have any such support so sat with her legs curled underneath her and sticking out to the side. She placed her left down so it was by Gillian’s thigh, using it and the other woman’s shoulder to help support her. They were used to sitting so close together although perhaps not in company. It didn’t seem to bother Gillian though and the brunette flashed Caroline a warm smile. She felt a wave of contentment pass through her at that one simple look even though Gillian had been smiling at her like that for most of the day and certainly all the way through the Christmas diner.

They had been sat next to each other throughout the meal, on the side of the table easiest to escape so they could collect plates etc. It made surreptitious glances harder than if they had sat directly opposite each other, but Caroline had been entranced by her and found it hard to tear her eyes away. After all, there was something very endearing about seeing Gillian in a paper Christmas hat from a cracker. The farmer had pulled a pink one from her cracker, but Caroline had declared that it didn’t match her outfit and swapped it for the green one that had been in hers. Gillian had told her to ‘piss off’ (which had garnered a look of disapproval from both parents) but had worn it anyway.

The hat was long gone now but the evidence of its residence still remained where the static had caused bits of Gillian’s hair to fall out of place. Caroline longed to reach out with her free hand and smooth out the bumps but before her hand could twitch into life, Gary was whipping out some of his gifts for Flora.

The two youngest were given their gifts first and then the lads, Greg and Ellie. Alan and Celia’s gifts came next which meant her, and Gillian were left until last. A fact that left Caroline feeling more and more self-conscious. She had overspent on Gillian really and everyone else would be finished unwrapping their gifts and focusing on them.

Raff and Lawrence had both managed to get Celia the same bath product gift set which Caroline briefly worried would cause a verbal sparring match. Raff was quick to assure everyone that he had kept all his receipts so would swap his for something else. Alan seemed to get some sort of clothing from everyone. Gillian and Raff had both bought him warm jumpers, whilst Caroline had gotten him pyjama’s. Greg and Lawrence had both bought him funny socks whilst William had been the only one to opt for buying him something different – a car shampoo kit.

Caroline had pretty much bought everyone pyjamas except Gillian (and some money for William and Lawrence). In her defence they were all bloody good pyjamas though – it was practical gift giving – something which seemed to amuse Gillian no end. The other woman had been a bit more creative with her gifts and had purchased Greg a rather amusing personalised mug playing on his health food fetish. Caroline’s gifts of the boys had been practical – mainly stuff for the house or garden. Celia and Alan had clubbed together to buy her a solar fountain she had seen whilst having lunch at a garden centre with them. They had also clubbed together to buy Gillian a chainsaw because apparently her old one had recently died a death. Caroline had never seen anyone so thrilled to be purchased work tools before but then the image of a hot and sweaty Gillian with peeled down overalls and a vest top wielding said chainsaw popped into her mind. Suddenly Caroline was thrilled by the gift too.

“Did you two even buy each other anything?” Alan asked after all the other presents were opened.

He peered over Gillian’s shoulder into her almost empty bag and the brunette glared at him and pulled the top of the bag closed.

“Yes” Gillian answered defensively – “in fact I may have overspent slightly so don’t tell me off.”

The farmer aimed her last words directly at Caroline who felt a wave of relief wash over her. If they had both gone overboard with their gifts, then maybe she would look less like a love-sick puppy.

“Me too” she admitted.

Gillian nodded but made no move to retrieve the gift from her bag, so Caroline bit the bullet and pulled out the two wrapped gifts from her bag. She handed Gillian the square box first as it was more of a shared gift. The brunette reached for it and began unwrapping it gingerly whilst everyone watched on with what seemed an odd amount of interest (except Greg who was busy playing dolls with Flora and Calamity).

“This may be a bit of a selfish gift” Caroline admitted as the other woman peeled away the tasteful gold wrapping paper.

Gillian’s reaction was immediate when she saw the box. She threw her head back and genuinely laughed, nudging Caroline’s shoulder with her own. It was a beautiful sound.

“Shatterproof glasses?!” Gillian exclaimed – “geez you really don’t like my mugs, do you?!”

“I like them just fine when they have tea or coffee in them” Caroline protested.  

Gillian pressed against her shoulder again and smiled broadly – winking in what Caroline presumed was approval. She had to drag her eyes away from the other woman’s, so she could pass her the second gift – also, there was only a certain amount of time it was appropriate to stare into someone’s eyes before everyone started noticing you have an obvious crush on them. When she pushed the next gift into Gillian’s hand the brunette looked surprised – like the glasses would have been perfectly enough for her. This time Caroline was more nervous as the brunette opened the wrapping paper.

Gillian’s really good waterproof wax jacket had gotten a tear in it whilst rescuing a trapped sheep from some fencing. The farmer had patched it up as best as she could but bemoaned the fact she wouldn’t be able to afford to replace it until the new year. Then, when Caroline had been searching for a jumper for Alan, she’d seen the same type of jacket and bought it on a whim. It had cost her eighty pounds despite it being in a sale.

“Oh my god!” Gillian exclaimed when she realised what it was – “Oh my god Caroline you shouldn’t have…I…”

“I wanted to” Caroline interrupted – “can’t have you getting pneumonia, can I? Who’d fix my car and my leaking pipes then?”

What she really wanted to say was _‘I want to take care of you’_. She wasn’t sure what kind of reaction that would garner from the other woman – or anyone else that matter. Still, a ripple of laughter echoed around the room and Gillian dipped her head almost bashfully and smiled. Caroline thought the look made her seem almost innocent and particularly desirable. So much so that shifted her legs, pressing them together slightly to try and stem the feeling. 

“You used to have a gaggle of women trying to mend your leaking pipes” Lawrence suddenly chirped up from across the room.

Caroline shot him a death glare just as her mother cleared her throat loudly. She wasn’t sure if she was more alarmed by how rude the comment was or how it suggested Lawrence may be aware of lesbian undertones between them. He was probably just being rude – he was excellent at that – no point reading too much into it.

“It’s a lovely present sweetheart” Alan spoke up, breaking the awkward silence that had descended.

He was lovely like that – It’s the reason Caroline had managed to warm to his and her mother’s sudden marriage plans so quickly. She should pity Gillian really because where Caroline had gained a charming and positive step father, Gillian had gained Celia. Caroline’s mother was like a mildly amusing interfering hurricane.

The brunette farmer placed her new jacket down next to her and reached into the bag that had held her gifts. It had looked empty, but Gillian retrieved a small plain black gift bag with silver handles. The farmer slowly moved it towards Caroline and placed it on the floor in front of her. The blonde looked down at the smart packaging and mused that the bag must have come with the gift – there was no way the farmer would have picked something so smart and sleek on her own.

“Mines a little less practical” Gillian explained nervously – “I just saw it and thought it would suit you.”

Caroline observed the other woman for a moment longer – watching as she gnawed on the fingernails of her right hand. It was a habit Caroline had witnessed many times when Gillian was nervous or unsure. Whatever the brunette had got her – well – Gillian was clearly worried what Caroline would think of it. It made her even more curious what was hidden inside the little black bag.

She pulled the handles apart and reached inside, pulling out a black box that clearly contained some form of jewellery. Caroline would never have pictured Gillian buying her – or anyone – jewellery. She was the kind of person that bought you a warm jumper or a screwdriver set. So, this gift felt significant and Caroline’s heart raced twenty to the dozen as she opened the box to a soundtrack of absolute silence. Apart from Gillian – Caroline could hear the farmer’s skittish breathing.

The box popped open to reveal a cuff bracelet in what looked like plain hammered silver. It was about an inch thick at its widest point and very elegant in its understatement. It was clearly not cheap – the farmer really had over spent on her.

“Gillian its beautiful” Caroline gasped.

 _‘You’re beautiful’_ her brain added.

“That really is lovely Gillian” Celia piped up – “try it on dear.”

Caroline carefully removed the bracelet from the box and put it on her right wrist. It was comfortable, and it looked great – especially with the dress she was wearing. She could hear the other people in the room commenting on the gift, but it was just background sound – her focus was completely on the gift and the blushing woman who had gave it to her.

Caroline’s body betrayed her, and she reached for Gillian – wrapping both arms around her shoulders and pulling her close. The other woman came willingly and hugged her back just as tightly. Caroline could feel Gillian’s rapid heartbeat against her chest and wondered if her own was so pronounced.

“Thank you” she whispered – pressing a single kiss to the brunette’s temple.

“I’m glad…glad you like it” Gillian stammered as they broke apart.

Caroline had never wanted to kiss the other woman more than in that moment. Instead, with a whole family audience surrounding them, all the blonde could do was smile reassuringly at her step sister. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

It had been a lovely Christmas day – one of the nicest Celia had ever experienced. Her daughter and Gillian had done a splendid job preparing the food and the meal had been lovely. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and for once there was no family drama – no arguments or fall outs. It had been a very proper Christmas.

They had exchanged Christmas gifts after dinner and enjoyed watching the two youngest children play with their toys. At half past six Raff and Ellie had left, taking Calamity to her other grandparent’s house to stay the night and spend boxing day with them. Greg had bathed and put Flora to bed whilst Caroline finished the washing up in the kitchen and Gillian got everyone a drink.

Everyone who was left in the house now was staying over and had changed into their pyjamas (except Alan and herself who were far too long in the tooth for pyjama parties). Greg had a camp bed made up in Flora’s room Caroline had given up her own room for her and Alan to stay in. That meant that both Caroline and Gillian would be slumming it on the sofa’s downstairs. Not that Celia thought either would mind as the pair of them were bound to ‘hit the wine’ or something stronger once everyone else went to bed. The two were pretty much inseparable these days – as their current seating arrangement would attest to.

It was nearly eight in the evening and they were all sat around watching a Christmas romantic comedy on BBC2. Celia couldn’t recall the name, but it had that foppish Hugh Grant in playing the Prime Minister. It seemed humorous enough apart from the occasional swear word. She and Alan were still sat on the same sofa they had spent a sizable chunk of the day on, Greg and William were sat on the chairs opposite them, Lawrence was lying across the pillows on the floor and her daughter and Gillian were sat on the other sofa. The two women were sat far closer than required on a three-seater sofa and had spent more time watching each other than the movie.

Celia wondered if they thought they were being surreptitious? If she had noticed – and she really wasn’t observant about these things – then everyone must have noticed. In all honesty she’d noticed their growing bond, and in particular her daughter’s attraction to Gillian, at Easter. It seemed eons ago now and at the time the idea had horrified her. They were both disasters as far as relationships (and quite frankly life) were concerned – albeit in very different ways. The idea of them together had seemed absurd and she had prayed that she was just reading far too much into the situation. She’d also convinced herself that Gillian couldn’t possibly have any lesbian tendencies – not considering her long and very chequered history with men.

Then, over the summer, during a couple of family lunches and a very nice afternoon at the farm she had observed that Gillian may not be as heterosexual as she had previously considered. For when her step daughter thought others were not looking at her, her eyes constantly followed Caroline with a sad longing look. Celia had still been horrified – perhaps more so than at Easter.

But then time had passed, and she’d become more accustomed to the idea – she’d witnessed more of those longing looks from both Gillian and Caroline – she’d noticed how every look between them had become loaded. They looked at each other like they were smitten with the other. Something had started to shift within her and she’d began to wonder if they would actually be good for each other. On paper the answer was a clear no but in reality, there seemed to be a calm that washed over them both when they were together. Her marriage to Alan proved that wonderous things could happen. They had spent a lifetime apart before finding each other again – and all because their respective grandchildren had added them to facebook.

Over the last couple of months Celia had watched them with a sense of fascination – wondering if they would ever stop falling around each other and get their act together. She was practically at the point of smacking their heads together when she finally confided her thoughts to Alan. Apparently, he had noticed months ago to but hadn’t wanted to upset her. It had hurt her feelings at first but then she realised that having the time to process it all to herself had done her some good. Anyway, Alan had begged her not to say or do anything and to just leave them to sort themselves out at their own natural pace. Frankly, she couldn’t see anything natural about their current emotional stalemate, but she was willing to respect his wishes. 

They had been thoroughly domestic today. Anyone from the outside looking in would have presumed they were a couple up to the moment they exchanged their very wonderful and thoughtful gifts (her jaw had nearly dropped at the first sighting of Gillian’s lovely present to Caroline). They were clearly two idiots in love who didn’t know how to communicate. Celia had never been so disappointed to merely see two women hug – and that was a huge new development. Perhaps she was becoming more liberal in her old age and if she wasn’t careful Alan would have her voting Labour and reading the Guardian next! She shuddered at the thought and tried to turn her attention back to the crummy movie again – a little horrified to see something about porn stars suddenly on the tv screen. Luckily her daughter and Alan’s daughter pulled her attention back to them at this most fortuitous time.

Caroline stretched and grumbled something about ‘getting old’ and ‘exhaustion before laying her head against Gillian’s shoulder. This would have caught Celia’s attention all on its own but then the plot thickened. Gillian lifted her right arm up and curled it around her daughter’s shoulder before gently tugging Caroline’s upper body down. Caroline went willingly and without question, laying her head in the brunette’s lap and curling her arm around Gillian’s thighs. The farmers right hand rested on Caroline’s upper arms and started tracing patterns there with her fingertips. Celia glanced at her husband to see if he had noticed – to find that he had fallen asleep with his head back against the sofa. William had certainly noticed though and was smiling softly at them.

Celia considered that it boded better for them in the long term that they were content by simply being close to one another and not making out like randy teenagers over Christmas gifts. It was inevitable that the randy part would come, although hopefully not in public – but then she had thought it was inevitable since that summer BBQ and it was now five months later.

By the time Celia had looked back at the two women again Caroline had already fallen asleep, softly snoring into Gillian’s lap whilst the brunette gazed down at her in adoration. ‘ _Yes_ ’ Celia mused again – it really had been a lovely Christmas day. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Gillian had expected Caroline to dose for an hour after her early start and day’s labour in the kitchen, before waking up refreshed. However, the other woman had been far more exhausted than she had realised and had slept soundly on her lap right up until ‘Love Actually’ had finished. Even then she had only awoken for a toilet break – something Gillian was glad of because she’d needed a wee for at least the last twenty minutes of the movie but hadn’t wanted to wake the sleeping beauty. 

She had nipped to the downstairs loo whilst Caroline had gone upstairs – remerging with their bedding for the night so she didn’t have to go back up again later. Much to Gillian’s surprise Caroline had lay back down on her lap only this time with one of the duvet’s pulled over her. There was something very charming about a sleepy, silky blue pyjama clad Caroline. It wasn’t often the other woman allowed herself to be so vulnerable and it touched something deep inside Gillian – aided by the fact Caroline was yet to take her bracelet off – like the gift was precious. Considering how terrified she had been when handing it over to the blonde (her hands had literally shook and her heart was racing so fast she thought she may have angina) it gave her a tremendous feeling seeing it so well received. The way Caroline had hugged her had made Gillian’s head spin more than any wine or brandy could ever achieve.

Her dad and Celia had decided to go to bed after the movie, as had Greg, so they all wished them good night and a Merry Christmas again. The movie that followed on from ‘Love Actually’ was an action film and after twenty pretty appalling minutes the boys decided it wasn’t worth their time and that they were going to call it quits as well. Caroline was already starting to dose off again, so Gillian asked them to turn the TV off, plunging the living room into nearly complete darkness.

“Hey” Gillian said softly.

She rubbed Caroline’s pyjama clad upper arm, trying to bring the dosing woman around enough for her to slip out and replace her legs with a pillow. The blonde seemed reluctant to let her move and merely wrapped her arm around Gillian’s thigh a bit tighter and grumbled in protest. If she knew her body wouldn’t protest in the morning, then she’d willingly stay like this for Caroline the entire night. There was know way she could sleep sitting up though – her lower and upper back would be in agony tomorrow.

Gillian made one more attempt at moving but Caroline sleepily protested again. So, the brunette moved to option number two.

“Budge up” she instructed as she lifted Caroline’s upper body of her legs – swinging her legs up and onto the sofa.

It left the two of them lying face to face, with Caroline between the back of the sofa and Gillian. Luckily it was a large sofa so they both fitted on relatively comfortably, albeit pressed close together. She reached behind her and grabbed one of the large cushions of the floor to use instead of a pillow.

Caroline seemed content with their new arrangement and nestled into the sofa, making herself comfortable. The blonde slung her arm over Gillian’s midriff and tucked her head bellow the farmers chin. Their legs had to be bent to fit on the sofa and they naturally tangled together. It was surprisingly comfortable, and Caroline seemed to fit perfectly against her. Gillian was stuck between being pleased that they fitted so harmoniously together and frustrated that she was been giving a taste of what she couldn’t have. When these things happened, it was always better if the idea was better than reality – it helped you move on. How the hell did you move on when the reality of it felt so fucking perfect?

Gillian had always felt like the world was laughing at her and no more so than in this moment. If she wasn’t such a monumental fuck up, then she could have had this all the time. She reckoned Caroline was at least physically attracted to her in some way, but the blonde knew too much about her – to many disaster stories – to ever be able to really fall for her. It was a stupid pipe dream. Gillian would always be reaching for Caroline whilst Caroline would be settling – or worse lowering herself – to be with the farmer. It wasn’t just the string of poorly chosen men she had slept with (including Caroline’s ex-husband) – it was Eddie. Caroline knew exactly what she had done to her dead husband after Gillian had drunkenly confessed all. In terms of their friendship the blonde had never judged her, but a relationship was a whole different ball game.

Everyone else would think Caroline had gone mad. She had no idea what her dad would make of a relationship between them, but she could easily imagine Celia hitting the roof. Caroline’s mum had a hard-enough time coping with her daughter being a lesbian when the blonde had an intelligent school teacher for a partner – how an earth would Celia cope with a scruffy, whore of a sheep farmer? The old woman would probably drop dead on the spot. Add to that the fact they were now step sisters and it was all a minefield.

Yet, curled up against each other and wrapped in each other’s arms, Gillian’s fantasy didn’t feel quite so bloody daft – and really, step sisters were not actually related at all. So as Caroline’s warm and steady breaths caressed her cheek (the rhythm indicating the blonde was already asleep again), Gillian let it and the steady thumping or the blonde’s heartbeat against her chest lull her to sleep too. Into perhaps the most relaxed and peaceful slumber she had enjoyed for years. Where no ghosts haunted her, and no nightmares plagued her. There was only warmth – warmth and the soft and regular thud of Caroline’s heart.       

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated xxx


	4. Awake, my soul, awake, my tongue

Caroline roused slowly from her sleep. So slowly that it took her a while to register that she was not alone - and was in fact wrapped around another human being – crammed onto a sofa no less. The night before came flooding back to her quickly. It had been a surprisingly lovely Christmas day, but she had been wiped out. Not just by the day itself but the lead up to Christmas. Having a young child at her age was tiring at the best of times but Flora had been especially excitable over the last week. Caroline had been so exhausted by Christmas evening that she’d slept through most of the family occasion – sprawled across the three-seater sofa using Gillian’s lap as a pillow.

She had fallen asleep to the other woman gently tracing soothing patterns with her fingertips on Caroline’s upper arm. This intimacy had been witnessed by the entire family and Caroline wondered what they had all made of it. Would they all just write it off as a sign of their trust and friendship or would anyone read deeper into it? What an earth had Gillian thought when she had sleepily clung to the other woman and refused to let her leave the sofa? Caroline’s defences had been down and her self-control weak – the idea of losing that physical contact with Gillian that they had shared the rest of the evening had been totally unacceptable to her in the sleep addled state she was in.

The farmer hadn’t pulled away though or protested. Caroline vaguely remembered how Gillian had wriggled them both, so she could lay on the sofa too. Caroline had fallen back asleep with her arm wrapped around the other woman and their legs tangled and had now awoken pressed even closer (if that was possible) to the brunette.

Gillian was lying on her back with Caroline covering half the farmer’s body with her own, her head nestled into the side of Gillian’s neck. Their legs were tangled and both Gillian’s arms encircled her (almost protectively), with Caroline’s hand lightly pressed against the other woman’s chest, just above and between her breasts. She could feel the steady rise and fall of Gillian’s chest against her palm – indicating that the brunette was still sleeping soundly.

Caroline closed her eyes and allowed herself to enjoy the moment. It was still pretty dark outside, and the house was quiet, so it was still relatively early. There was no need to get up yet and she doubted Gillian would be too alarmed to wake up nestled so close to one another. The other woman was naturally more tactile than Caroline and they had both been starved of physical intimacy for months. It had been by choice on both their parts but that didn’t mean Caroline never missed just holding another human body close to her. She had just gotten sick of the human bodies being one of a chain of pointless half relationships. At some point she had started wanting nothing other than Gillian and had accepted whatever she thought the other woman was happy to give - their touchy-feely friendship.

Gillian stirred slightly beneath her, rousing more quickly than Caroline had. Caroline watched as her facial expressions flickered, her eyes opened, and her arms wrapped just that bit tighter around the blonde. Gillian always had stunning eyes – unusual and expressive – mainly green but with different flecks of colour in like jade. They seemed particularly bright first thing in the morning even though the other woman was still sleepy. Gillian slowly turned her head a little more into Caroline – those stunning eyes catching Caroline’s own.

“Morning” Caroline greeted softly.

“Hey” Gillian replied a little groggily, before placing a soft peck of a kiss against Caroline’s temple - “you feeling a bit better rested now?”

The blonde’s eyes drifted shut at the easy affection and she couldn’t contain her own smile. She knew Gillian wouldn’t be too alarmed to wake up in this proximity to her, but she hadn’t expected this extra affection. Gillian was showing no interest in disentangling them yet.

“Mmmhmm” Caroline hummed - “and surprisingly comfortable.”

Gillian nodded before beginning to softly circle her hands against Caroline’s back. One hand was soothing the middle of her back and the other was rubbing smaller circles between her shoulder blades. It felt wonderful – perhaps too wonderful – for Caroline to just regard it as friendly. No matter how much she tried to ignore the strength of her feelings and play it off as friendship it was impossible to stop her body stirring with arousal (and god help her – love), when being so close to Gillian felt amazing.

“You feel good” Gillian mumbled.

Caroline had no idea if Gillian was awake enough to know what she was saying – she appeared to be relatively compos mentis. If so, perhaps Caroline wasn’t barking up the wrong tree after all. She felt her heart flutter dangerously in her chest as words and emotions threatened to spill out into the open. She was so close to doing something radical (like kiss her step-sister), when the upstairs hall light flickered on and footsteps echoed down the stairs. They were not the only people awake and that quickly put a dampener on Caroline being bold enough to say anything. Not if they risked being disturbed at any moment.    

 “I should probably get up and make breakfast” Caroline sighed.

A retreat to the kitchen was probably in order. There she could splash some water on her face, perk herself up with a strong coffee and try to rein in her libido. Gillian seemed in no rush to let her go – her arms remaining steady around Caroline’s upper body. With John or some of the women she’d slept with since Kate (perhaps even with Kate) such a hold would have left her feeling possessively penned in. With Gillian though she felt calm and protected. She sometimes wondered how it had taken her so long to really see the brunette. Then she remembered it was because she had been a judgemental, uptight snotty bitch and had looked down at Gillian – when the truth was she should have been looking up at this incredible, strong but slightly broken woman. They could be a modern day ‘Pride and Prejudice’ if only there was some actual romance between them.

“We will” Gillian protested - “but in five minutes.”

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Breakfast had been a quiet affair – with only their parents and Greg joining them. The boys and Flora had still been dead to the world. Greg was taking the toddler to her other grandparents for lunch, so he had roused Flora after breakfast to get her ready for the day. Gillian had gone upstairs to have a shower and change out of her pyjama’s, because as much as she would like to hang around and spend more time with Caroline (and her dad obviously), she had sheep to go and feed.

The first person she saw when she returned downstairs was her dad. He was in the living room tidying up some of the mess from the day before – empty glasses and boxes of chocolates etc. He’d even folded the blanket that her and Caroline had shared the night before on the sofa.

“You heading off now love?” Alan asked as she entered the living room.

“Aye, the sheep don’t hay themselves” she smiled.

Her bag of clothing was slung over her shoulder and she was carrying the bag filed with her gifts from the family. Except Caroline’s gift – she had decided to put that on instead of the jacket she arrived in. Her dad smiled at her in that gentle but knowing way, the way that suggested he knew her well enough to guess at what she was thinking and feeling.

“Well its been a great Christmas” he continued, when she didn’t say anything else.

He’d always been so steadfast over the years regardless of whatever stupid mistake she’d made. That had wavered in the early part of his relationship with Celia – when Gillian felt like she was fighting for his time and attention - but then the two of them had seemed to put it behind them. When she had decided to leave Robbie, it had taken a huge dip. He had been obvious in his disappointment and Gillian felt like the miles between where they were living may as well have been oceans.

It had slowly mended over the last year, partly (she expected) was because of her friendship with Caroline, who had undoubtedly kept putting a good word in her favour. It was also just a matter of time – time for her dad to accept she’d made yet another monumental misstep – not in divorcing Robbie but in marrying him in the first place. This family occasion had been great though. It had been peaceful and not fraught with the undertones of disappointment.

“Yeah it has” Gillian agreed.

Alan nodded and reached out to grasp her free hand – squeezing it affectionately.

“Are you really okay?” he asked.

Gillian was a little caught off-guard by the question. It was the happiest she’d been in a long time. The farm was doing okay, Raff was doing well, and she had woken up in Caroline’s arms this morning. If anything, she was a little sad to be leaving Huddersfield and going home – but then she always was. Just as she was always a little sad when Caroline visited the farm and then had to leave. Sometimes being alone for large chunks bothered her, not because she hated being single, but because Eddie’s memory still clung to the farm like smoke. She was becoming more and more accustomed to it. It wasn’t something she wanted to talk to her father about though and certainly not on boxing day.

“Of course,” she replied sweetly - “I’ll see you soon.”

Gillian slipped her hand out of her father’s and headed through into the entrance hall. She had decided to take her things to the Land Rover first before coming back inside to say goodbye to Caroline. Having been the first to arrive her car was closest to the house, so she had deposited her bags and returned to the house with the minute. Caroline was stood in the porchway (dressed in casual jeans and a woollen oversized sweater) waiting for her.

“Leaving us already?” the blonde headmistress asked as Gillian neared her.

She stepped up onto the porch too, so they were sanding at the same level and smiled ruefully in response. Gillian had always wanted to be a farmer but sometimes the reality was hard – with any other job on the planet she could stay here with Caroline for the rest of the day – maybe even another night.

The other woman reached out and smoothed her hand down the lapel of Gillian’s new jacket. It fitted perfectly, indicating Caroline had snooped at her old jacket to check she had the correct size. She still couldn’t believe the blonde had spent that much on her.

“You like it then?” Caroline asked softly – even a little nervously.

“Of course I do,” Gillian effused.

It was one of the most thoughtful Christmas presents anyone had ever gotten her. It showed that Caroline paid attention to her and cared about her too. Gillian just wasn’t sure how much – or if it was anywhere near enough to match her own feelings. They were surely tipping into the territory of love. If she was being truly honest to herself, they had tipped a long time ago.

Caroline’s left hand, which had been playing with her lapel, moved to gently rub her upper arm. The blonde’s free hand, her right hand, was still adorned with the bracelet Gillian had bought her. On a whim the brunette reached out and traced her forefinger along the skin just at the edge of the bracelet – marvelling at how Caroline’s eyes fluttered shut at the gentle caress and her breathing audibly hitched. The blonde suddenly surged forward and pressed the length of her body against Gillian’s.

Gillian responded by wrapping her arms around the other woman’s shoulders like she would for any hug between them but although one of Caroline’s hands splayed against Gillian’s lower back, the other reached up to tenderly cup her cheek. It felt more intimate than normal anyway, but Gillian’s heart really started to race when Caroline softly kissed her cheek. Her own eyes crept shut in response as she tried to relax into the hold and the sensation of Caroline’s full lips against her skin. She had expected it to be a fleeting sensation but instead the other woman lingered. This time Caroline gently nuzzled at a cheek and Gillian could do nothing but nuzzle back.

It felt wonderful and she could feel her heart pummelling the inside of her rib cage as Caroline slowly nuzzled closer and closer to Gillian’s lips. Her blood felt like it was pumping so fast that she could hear it racing in her ears. Her skin tingled, and her hands shook lightly against the taller woman’s upper back. The urge to just turn her head and kiss Caroline square on the lips was almost overwhelming her but she wanted and needed the other woman to make the first move. She couldn’t get this wrong – couldn’t risk messing this up with arguably the most important person in her life (other than Raff of course).

But Caroline didn’t slow, didn’t falter in her tortuous journey to Gillian’s lips and as soon as the corners of their mouths brushed together the farmer whimpered – like actually audibly whimpered about how good Caroline felt against her. Then the sound was being swallowed up by Caroline’s mouth covering her own in a soft, exploratory open-mouthed kiss. Gillian felt sensations going off throughout her body like fireworks. She was kissing Caroline Dawson – oh god she was kissing Caroline and it felt better than she could ever have imagined.

On instinct Gillian slid her hands up to cup the back of Caroline’s head and neck and deepened the kiss, exploring and tasting the blonde properly for the first time. Caroline’s fingers dug into her lower back at the first caress of their tongues and the blonde let out a loud moan. Gillian’s own mouth swallowed up most of the sound, but it vibrated pleasantly to the back of her throat. It ratcheted up her own arousal and she pressed into the other woman harder and kissed her with as much desire and passion as she felt. It was like an outpouring of emotion after holding it in for months and months. Amazingly, Caroline responded just as eagerly, matching the urgency of the kiss and pressing Gillian back against the nearest porch pillar.       

“Caroline has Gillian gone yet?” Celia’s voice seemed to bound around in the hallway behind them – echoing loud in the porch through the open front door.

The two women pulled back immediately and straightened up. Gillian suddenly very aware that they had been kissing (like really kissing) right there in the open where anyone could potentially see them. Not that she cared about people seeing or knowing about whatever was happening between them, but it would be better they found out at a later date and in a different way. Her dad would have probably keeled over from a heart attack had he witnessed that and Celia – well should would have had a stroke. Gillian had learnt to love her step mum, but she was sure Celia wouldn’t want her daughter descending into a relationship with a sheep farmer who had also been a notorious whore. Talk about lowering standards.

“Oh no…there you are!” Celia exclaimed as she appeared in the doorway - “Thought you’d gone without saying goodbye.”

If Gillian wasn’t in such a state of shock after being so thoroughly kissed (and by god could Caroline kiss) then she’d have probably been a little annoyed with her step mother. Instead, she was in such a daze that she just stared at her blankly for several seconds before shaking herself into action.

“No just saying bye to Caroline first” Gillian managed to choke out.

The aforementioned woman seemed to be as dazed as she was and stood rigidly still next to her. Gillian could feel Caroline’s gaze on her but she daren’t look at the other woman whilst Celia was present, and they were still stood do close together. Her heart was still hammering too hard in her chest and she was sure it was obvious her breathing was heavier than normal – like she’d ran the 10k.

“Would you like me to leave the two of you saying goodbye?” Celia asked with a suspicious tone to her voice.

Apparently, the older woman had realised that she had interrupted something, but Gillian had no idea what Celia thought she had interrupted. Perhaps she thought they had been arguing because if she had thought they were ‘lesbianing together’ then the reaction would surely have been very different.

“Erm no that’s alright” Gillian replied a little awkwardly – “well I better be off so bye Celia.”

Her step mother approached her and wrapped an arm around her in a loose hug. Gillian quickly returned the hug before pulling back.

 “Bye dear” Celia responded.

Gillian didn’t really want to leave now that she had kissed Caroline because firstly, she didn’t want to appear like she was running away. She wanted to stay and talk to her but that wouldn’t be truly possible whilst their parents (and Caroline’s boys once they had risen) still there. Gillian really needed to go home and feed the damn sheep and couldn’t afford to spend the day trying to wait out her dad and Celia until they left. There wasn’t even an opportunity to say goodbye with another reassuring kiss because Caroline’s mother seemed intent on standing on the porch until Gillian had drove off.

So, she did the only thing she could think of – she grasped Caroline’s hand in her own and squeezed it affectionately, before leaning in and placing an innocent looking kiss on the blonde’s cheek. When she pulled back Gillian allowed herself to look into Caroline’s eyes for the first time since they had broken apart from the kiss. She could see the same sort of storm of emotion in the other woman’s brilliant blue eyes that she felt and knew must be reflected in her own.

 “Drive safe” the blonde said softly.

Gillian was desperate to show Caroline some affection again – to kiss her or even just kiss the hand Gillian held in her own. Instead, under Celia’s watchful gaze all she felt she could do was give Caroline’s hand a gentle squeeze again before gently releasing it and walking away to her Land Rover. It was going to be a long drive home when all she could think about was finally kissing Caroline Dawson.  

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Ever since Celia had come down stairs in the morning to the smell of bacon being fried in the kitchen she had been suspicious that something had finally happened between her daughter and Gillian. The first clue had been the fact the blanket and pillow that Caroline had brought down for Gillian to use on the second sofa was still folded untouched, exactly where it had been the night before. In fact, it was only the large sofa that they had both been sat on together that had appeared to be slept on. If the two of them had shared Caroline’s big kind size bed, then it would have roused her suspicions slightly less, but two people had to virtually sleep on top of each other to fit on that sofa.

The second clue was the fact Gillian was yet again helping to cook despite the fact she wasn’t keen on being stuck in a kitchen. In fact, the scene Celia had walked in on had been quite domestic – with Caroline busily turning the bacon and keeping an eye on the food on the grill whilst Gillian made them both coffees using Caroline’s fancy machine. Celia wondered how often Gillian had stayed over recently if she now had grasped how to use the silly thing.

The third, and most obvious sign, was the fact they jumped apart from each other like two children up to no good when Gillian had been leaving. Celia was sure she had interrupted them kissing from their reactions and the unruly state of Caroline’s hair.

She was glad to report that even now she was sure it was happening Celia was still feeling alright about the prospect of a Caroline/Gillian union. She only felt bad that she had accidently disturbed them in her attempts to fuss on her step daughter. Gillian was now driving off in her monstrosity of a farm vehicle leaving Caroline to stare after her longingly. Celia wondered if there was an appropriate way to ask her daughter about their relationship without offending her but somehow the words just popped out of her mouth regardless. It was a bad habit that she never seemed to be able to shake.

“Are you two girlfriends yet?” she blurted.

Celia internally (and probably externally) cringed at the cumbersome question but it was balanced by her amusement at the absolute shock and surprise on her daughter’s face. 

“How did you…?” Caroline started to reply before faltering – “…what do you mean yet?”

“Well its been coming for months hasn’t it” Celia shrugged – “I’d almost given up on the pair of you!”

For an intelligent woman her daughter was being very dense. Did Caroline really think she had hidden her feelings towards Gillian well? It had been written all over her face for months in every glance, every longing stare and every smile. Did Caroline really think the fact she fell asleep curled up on Alan’s daughter the night before would go unnoticed? Celia was sure that everyone must now have their suspicions after yesterday. They had looked and acted like a couple all day long.    

“Well, are you?” Celia asked again after a prolonged awkward silence.

“No…well…no…” Caroline stuttered - “…well I don’t know…you bloody well interrupted up before I could clarify the situation didn’t you.”

Celia had presumed she had interrupted them kissing goodbye after them finding some clarity the night before. Now it sounded like she had accidently bounded in and put the brakes on their first kiss. She found the look of disapproval and consternation from her daughter very unfair though. Yes, she had been disapproving in the past of Caroline’s female liaisons, but it hadn’t been her intent to crash in and ruin her daughter’s fun – quite the contrary.  

“I didn’t mean to” Celia protested.

Caroline folded her arms and for a moment it looked like the blonde would go on the defensive. Then, Caroline took a deep sigh and stuffed her hands in her jean pockets – teeth worrying her lower lip as she shifted from one foot from another. She looked worried, although Celia wasn’t sure if it was of her potential disapproval or the fear that Gillian would panic and distance herself.

“Sorry” Caroline sighed – “ignore me, I’m just frustrated.”

Celia could feel her eyebrows naturally shoot up at the phrase her daughter used. Perhaps she was misinterpreting that nervous energy – or over analysing it. Celia wasn’t sure her approval went far enough to discussing the two women having an actual sex life.

“I didn’t mean…” Caroline instantly flapped on seeing her mother’s reaction - “oh god can we please just drop this conversation?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love a bit of feedback x


	5. Give heed my heart

Caroline had been turning herself inside out ever since Gillian had left on Boxing Day. She’d hoped the other woman would text her or call her when she arrived home, but Gillian was ominously silent. Caroline was worried her step sister regretted the kiss and thought it all a terrible idea. She was at least assured in the fact Gillian desired her too because of the way the farmer had kissed her back. It wasn’t just a reaction to being kissed, where sometimes people respond but then pull back. It was a full blown, impassioned, hot and rather spectacular snog. Just the memory of it made Caroline warm all over.

She had braved calling Gillian the day after Boxing Day only for it to go straight to answer phone. She hadn’t braved leaving a message. It had panicked her at first but then she remembered that the other woman had a shift, so her phone would be switched off. Caroline still hadn’t braved ringing her again that evening. Instead she had done the unthinkable – she had rung her bloody mother of all people. She, Caroline Dawson, had actually sought out her meddling and disapproving mother for relationship advice.

The response had been straight to the point and had gone something like – ‘oh grow up and go speak to her face to face about it’. Caroline had taken offence on the phone and cut the conversation short, but the more she had thought about it that night the more it seemed like good advice. So, she’d woke William up early and begged him to look after Flora for the day. She’d expected protests, but he had surprised her by agreeing quite easily. He was even taking his adoptive sister to do something wholesome (swimming) before going to their grandma and Alan’s for lunch. Unfortunately, that meant Celia would guess that Caroline had taken her advice – something she hoped wouldn’t convince her meddling mother to dole it out more regularly.

So, Caroline had got dressed in casual but complimentary clothing (namely jeans, a white blouse and a blue cardigan) and headed out in her jeep over to Gillian’s farm (without pre-warning the farmer), under the pretext of organising New Year’s Eve. Of course, she could just do that over the phone, but it was a beautiful clear, sunny, crisp winter’s day. Perfect weather for a drive out into the countryside.

They had briefly spoke about spending New Year’s Eve together, but no arrangements had been made yet. Their parents were at some sort of theatre group party, William and Lawrence where out at friend’s and Raff and Ellie also had a party to go to. It looked like the two women would have the toddlers for the night, but it would be nice to have them together. There was no one Caroline wanted to see the New Year in with more than Gillian. That is – if Gillian wanted to spend it with her and hadn’t gone into some extreme form of gay panic.

When Caroline turned into the yard of the farm she immediately spotted Gillian. Well to be precise she spotted her legs – sticking out from under the tractor. She was obviously tinkering or repairing it because she was on her back and Caroline recognised the material covering the legs as that of the farmer’s black overalls.

Gillian had obviously heard the car pull in because she dragged herself out from underneath the old farm machine and sat up. She was indeed wearing her overalls and had her hair pulled back in a ponytail. Her hands were covered with leather gloves and she was holding a wrench or spanner of some kind. When she realised it was Caroline the brunette stood up, dropped the tool in her box and removed her gloves. By the time Caroline had parked up and gotten out of her car Gillian had moved to stand on the edge of the wall and was waiting for her.

Caroline approached cautiously at first, but her confidence was boosted when she realised Gillian was smiling at her. Not a tight or forced smile but a large face splitting smile – a look of genuine surprise and happiness. There was a smudge of dirt across Gillian’s left cheek. Once upon a time it would have drawn her distain but like everything involving Gillian these days Caroline found it oddly attractive.

“This is a nice surprise” the other woman greeted.

Caroline couldn’t hide her own smile of relief when she realised how genuine Gillian sounded. There was no forced niceties or awkwardness – just the brunette’s winning smile.

When Caroline reached the wall, Gillian rubbed her hands against down her sides – trying to insure her hands were clean – before reaching her right hand out to Caroline. The blonde grasped it and allowed the farmer to help her step up onto the wall, so they were on the same level. As soon as they were face to face Caroline’s eyes seemed to dart of their own accord, taking in Gillian’s features. Her smile (which had turned coy), her sparkling eyes, that smear of mud on her cheek from the underside of the tractor, the wisp of hair that had escaped her pony tail and was falling down in front of her left eye. All the while her hand remained clasped in the warmth of Gillian’s own.

“Come in, I’m due a tea break” Gillian said softly – tugging lightly in the direction of the house using their joined hands.

Caroline followed willingly, still unable to tear her gaze away from the other woman as they walked side by side to the farm cottage. Even though most of her waking thoughts had been about Gillian since that kiss she hadn’t been expected to be this overwhelmed in her presence. All she could think about was how she wanted Gillian to kiss her like that again. But her mouth was dry, and her heart was racing so fact she could swear she could hear the blood pumping through her veins. Caroline had never been in a situation were her emotions had rendered her mute and she desperately tried to think of something to say.

“Is it okay?” she blurted – pointing towards the tractor with her free hand.

She mentally kicked herself for enquiring about the other woman’s farm machinery. Why couldn’t she ask if Gillian was okay or do the very British thing of commenting on the lovely weather they were having for this time of year?

“What?” Gillian was confused until her eyes followed Caroline’s gesture towards the tractor - “Oh yeah, just needed an old bit of pipe replacing.”

“Right, good” Caroline nodded.

Gillian flashed her a knowing smile as the reached the front door. As soon as they entered the cottage the farmer released Caroline’s hand, so she could kneel and unfasten her work boots. Gillian’s tea making skills were very suspect – she made it like a builder – so Caroline headed straight to the stove to take charge of the brewing of the hot drinks. Gillian had long since given up on protesting that she should make the drinks considering she was the host.

Caroline had found two mugs, the tea pot and tea bags whilst Gillian divested herself of her boots. When Caroline turned in the other woman’s direction to fetch the milk out of the fridge she was surprised to find Gillian standing a metre or so behind her just watching her. In fact, it made the blonde come to a crashing halt because Gillian had peeled down the top half of her overalls now she was inside. The house was comfortably warm because the fire was burning in the living room and it was relatively warm outside. Warm enough for Gillian only to be wearing a V necked vest top underneath the black overalls.

Caroline’s breath caught in the back of her throat as her eyes raked down the view on offer to her. The vest top was fitted and emphasised Gillian’s curves and lines perfectly – showing off her flat stomach and highlighting muscled upper arms from her outdoor work. Caroline had noticed all these things before obviously but that was prior to kissing Gillian. Now she felt a little less concerned about being caught staring at the other woman. Gillian must now Caroline desired her now – why bother hiding it? She wanted to know how John, in his attempts at literary genius, thought he should compare Gillian’s body to a teenage boy. What a drunken, blind and idiotic wanker.

“What?” quizzed Gillian – although Caroline suspected the other woman knew exactly why she was stood staring.

She stepped forward, closer into the farmers personal space, and reached her hand up to swipe at Gillian’s cheek with the pad of her thumb. Gillian’s eyes seemed to shine even brighter at the content – the flecks of green clearer than Caroline had ever seen them before.

“You’ve got a bit of dirt…” she breathed as Gillian leant into the contact.

Caroline wasn’t sure who moved first or if they moved together – but the distance between them vanished as they both grasped at shoulders and clothing, pulling each other into a deep and desire-full kiss. Just like the first time, Caroline felt like fireworks were going off in her chest - the heat and desire shooting around her body as Gillian kissed her like the world was ending around them and this was the only time they had. Perhaps it was. Caroline wasn’t sure she’d notice when all she could taste, and feel was the other woman.

One of Gillian’s hands was cupped around her neck whilst the other circled her hips, pulling their bodies flush together in the most delicious manner. Before Caroline really had time to enjoy the sensation though Gillian was turning them both and walking her back a couple of steps until her rear hit the short edge of the kitchen table. The arm that was looped around her waist shot lower and lifted her (rather impressively) on to the table so she was sat on the edge of it. Gillian pressed forwards and Caroline opened her legs, so she could wrap them around the other woman and draw her in as close as possible, whilst Gillian continued to kiss her with great abandon. Caroline couldn’t remember ever being kissed like that before, not even by Kate. Couldn’t remember ever feeling like putty in someone’s hands before, like she felt now.

Caroline ran her hands down Gillian’s vest top covered sides before slipping her hands under the thin material. She felt and heard the other woman moan into her mouth as she smoothed her fingertips against the soft skin of Gillian’s abdomen. She’d spent hours secretly admiring the other woman’s body – the times when Gillian had been in tight jeans or a dress. Feeling that body twitch and quake under her touch had been a reality she had longed for. Her (at times vivid) imagination had never been able to rival this though.

Just as Caroline was contemplating tugging the top up and off the farmer they where disrupted by the sound of screeching tyres. Someone else had parked up in the yard outside the farm and the two women broke apart. Suddenly Gillian had darted away from her- leaving Caroline out of breath, aroused and desperately irritated by whoever had disturbed them.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Gillian had spent every waking hour since leaving Huddersfield on Boxing Day, thinking about Caroline. More specifically she had thought about kissing Caroline. Because now that she knew just how fucking amazing the blonde was at kissing – how fucking amazing it had felt – well it was like she’d unleashed the Kraken or opened Pandora’s box. It was overwhelming and no matter how hard she tried the monster would not be tamed nor the box resealed. No, if Caroline Dawson had been under her skin before, then she was now burrowed deep inside Gillian’s soul.

If her damn step mother hadn’t have disturbed them then she may have a bit more of a clue what was going on. Instead the two women had parted without discussing their frenzied make out session – Gillian to her beloved sheep who genuinely did need her. She hadn’t run away – well that wasn’t one hundred percent true – she sort of ran away. The sheep could have waited another hour whilst she stayed on and found a brief moment with Caroline to talk. She hadn’t stayed though and had spent two days with her head spinning because of it. Even a shift at the store couldn’t distract her and it had meant she’d missed a call from the blonde. It had been too late to ring back though (or so she’d deemed) and Gillian had chickened out of returning the call in the cold light of day. Terrified that Caroline had come to her senses and decided it had been a silly mistake – that Gillian wasn’t good enough for her.

Then Caroline had turned up out of the blue, exiting her jeep with a glow of winter sun behind her, appearing like an ethereal blonde beauty – like the Lady Galadriel from the Lord of the Rings. Gillian had been charmed and entranced – and desperately trying to play it cool so she didn’t look like a love-sick fool. She felt like one though. Desperately enamoured and probably totally out of her depth – foolish for hoping for something more. For something substantial and real. For everything she’d pretended she could have with Robbie if only she’d have felt enough for him. If she’d felt even half of what she felt for Caroline.

There had been no recriminations though, only shy smiles and lustful stares. Then there had been Caroline’s mouth on hers again – hot and hungry and laced with the promise of things to come. Suddenly something real didn’t seem so distant on the horizon but right within Gillian’s grasp. She’d grasp it so hard if they didn’t stop being distracted. Because like Tantalus and his torment the moment she got close to what she wanted it was quickly whipped out of reach again. This time it was unlikely Celia was the cause of her consternation but her own son.

The sound of a car entering the yard far too quickly before parking up had torn the two women apart and Gillian had instantly turned away to compose herself. Looking at Caroline would do little to steady her racing heart and her raging hormones. So, she went over to the kettle and switched the stove on, smoothing her vest top down as she took deep steadying breaths.

“It’ll be Raff, we are meant to be going to the pub for lunch” she stated.

This was her son’s way of sweetening her up because she was looking after her granddaughter on New Year’s Eve. He was taking her for lunch at one of the nicer pubs in the area. It was in an old mill building down by the river, with an old water wheel and loads of character. Gillian and Caroline had gone there once in the summer and sat outside by the water. She was surprised Raf had remembered her telling him how much she’d liked it. He certainly had won brownie points for that, but he was rapidly losing them for turning up early.

Caroline moved behind her and pressed the front of her body against Gillian’s back. The blonde’s arms snaked around her waists – fingernails scraping lightly over her vest top covered abs. Gillian wanted to sink into the heat and curves of Caroline’s body.

“You look so good” the taller woman whispered against her ear.

Gillian felt an involuntary shiver run down her spine at the other woman’s words. She’d seen the way Caroline was looking at her before they kissed – like she could eat her alive. She was used to people finding her attractive, for men in particular to want her. There was something different about having someone so well put together like Caroline desiring her. Caroline’s attention was intense but there was a softness to it – not like the hard need to control her that others had shown.

They could hear Raf clattering around outside so Caroline placed a gentle kiss to Gillian’s temple before stepping back to a less intimate distance. Gillian missed the contact between the immediately, so she turned so she could at least see the other woman.

“Can I bring Flora here on New Year’s?” Caroline asked – “the kids could have a play date and then we could put them to bed and see in the new year with a bottle of wine or two?”

“You want to spend it just with me?” Gillian asked in disbelief.

Even after the amount of time they had spent together over the last year and now kissing twice, she couldn’t process that this woman – this divine, beautiful, well off, well-educated woman – could possibly want to spend time with her above anyone else. It wasn’t like Caroline was devoid of offers or options. People were always falling over themselves to invite her to parties or spend time with her, but Gillian had noticed more recently that Caroline tended to shun most of these invites in favour of spending time with her daughter or with Gillian (sometimes both).  Now, here the other woman was, looking at her like she was silly for questioning it.

“Only you” Caroline replied softly, her voice laced with the same adoration that Gillian felt but hadn’t dared to hope was returned. 

She’d have kissed Caroline again, over and over, if Raf hadn’t chose that moment to burst through the front door. He tripped over Gillian’s discarded boots, nearly falling flat on his face as he entered, but righting himself just before he fell in a heap in front of them.

“Hi mum, hi Caroline” he greeted sheepishly.

“Would you like to go back out love and see if you can enter any more dramatically?” Gillian said dryly.

“Yes, well if you didn’t just sling your boots in the middle of the doorway then I might have managed a bit more grace and poise, mightn’t I?” her son bit back good naturedly.

Caroline was smiling fondly at them both during the exchange which made heat rise to Gillian’s cheeks. She ducked her head down in the hope that neither her son or the blonde would notice. The kettle started to whistle so she turned away from them both to turn the heat off.

“I’ll get going so you can change for lunch” Caroline said glumly.

Gillian felt like her heart was sinking in her chest. They may have kissed again but there was still so much left unsaid. She didn’t want Caroline to leave but now Raff was there they couldn’t discuss anything even if the other woman did stay. It felt like the world was determined to keep them apart or eke out the uncertainty for that little bit longer.

“You don’t have to go” Raff countered - “you could come with us if you like?”

Gillian was caught between desiring to convince Caroline to stay and drawing their time together out and worrying that she wouldn’t be able to keep her hands or her thoughts to herself if Caroline did come with them.

“It’s very tempting but I think you should fuss on you mother without a third wheel” the blonde suggested.

Caroline was right – this lunch was meant to be some mother-son bonding time. So often now, she only saw him with Ellie and Calamity or in a family group. She’d been thrilled when he’d offered to take her out even though she suspected it was done purely to butter her up for babysitting duty at the turn of the year. Still her heart raced wildly at the prospect of letting the other woman go.

Gillian was glued to the spot when Caroline shifted towards her again and wrapped both arms around her waist. Despite an attempt not to make her feelings to obvious in front of her son, Gillian’s body betrayed her, and she sank into the hug and breathed in the comforting smell of the other woman’s perfume. She wrapped her arms around Caroline’s shoulders and they stayed like that for far longer than was appropriate for a friendly goodbye hug.

“Let me know what time you want Flora and I to arrive on New Year’s Eve” Caroline said softly – before pressing a quick kiss to her temple.

As the taller woman pulled back Gillian felt the urge to chase the contact and pull Caroline in close again. Instead, she reluctantly dropped her hands down by her side and nodded. She could tell Caroline knew exactly what effects she was having on her by the mischievous sparkle in the blonde’s incredible blue eyes. Eyes that held Gillian entranced for several long moments before her son bounded back into the conversation.

“Oh!” Raff spoke up excitedly - “I’m dropping Calamity off at six!”

Apparently, Raff now felt the need to help organise her life for her – like she couldn’t pick a time for Caroline’s arrival.

“Shall we say six then?” Caroline grinned in her direction - “if you get some pizza’s, I’ll bring the wine?”

Gillian nodded again, this time more enthusiastically. Caroline really had mellowed over the last few years if she was suggesting they ate pizza rather than some fancy shit. Or perhaps Gillian should just be grateful that they had the kids with them whose palette were less refined than Caroline’s. For the moment anyway.

Caroline reached out and squeezed her hand lightly, dropping it again before Gillian could really process it, yet alone respond. Then the other woman was turning away and leaving and all she could do was watch her walk out the front door with a wistful expression and a heart full of hope.

As soon as the door closed Raff plonked himself down on the nearest kitchen chair, crossed his arms and stared at her imploringly (and with far too much mirth in his eyes for her liking). When he didn’t change expression or look away after several seconds Gillian raised her eyebrows at him and mouthed the word ‘what?’.

“Have you two finally got together then?” her son asked confidently.

Gillian nearly fell over. She had been concerned her feelings were written all over her face for a while, but no one had commented. She’d started to think she was just being paranoid but by the way her son said the word ‘finally’ she guessed she wasn’t being quite so paranoid after all. He was clearly in no doubt that she had feelings for Caroline – his nonchalant and extremely confident demeanour game that away.

“I…I…” she stumbled over a response - “Let me get changed and I’ll tell you over lunch.”

Of course, what she hadn’t thought of, was that his confidence suggested Caroline had been just as obvious.

 


	6. Across the Sky the Shades of Night

Caroline had spent the entirety of the day on the 31st December trying to slow everything down so that she wasn’t sat around from lunch time onwards thinking of nothing other than Gillian. She’d found, in the days since they had kissed again at Gillian’s farm, that the only half effective way of shutting those thoughts down was to keep herself busy. This had involved a lot of cleaning and various small outing with the boys, or Flora and even her mother.

These outings were only half successful as Gillian seemed to be the main topic of conversation at the moment – thanks to her mother – who had let their recent entanglement slip. It had been met with a less negative response then Caroline had expected which was good because frankly she had her heart set upon making a go of this now. It was amazing what two (rather excellent) kisses could do to sway her mindset. Because now her main fear was not ‘if’ it was a good idea (because let’s be honest on paper it looked like a disaster waiting to happen) but a concern that Gillian might not want such a serious commitment. In truth, Caroline had no idea what was going on in Gillian’s head and that had her on edge.

This gnawing fear troubled her continuously on the drive over from Huddersfield. They would have the two girls to distract them for the first chunk of the evening but once the girls had gone to bed it would just be the two of them and wine. Caroline was sure that by the end of tonight she would know what exactly Gillian wanted – if she wanted anything at all. That was both exhilarating and terrifying in equal measures.

Just as Caroline was on the lane before the farm, she passed Raff, who waved animatedly at her. As soon as she pulled into the farm Gillian came out to greet her, dressed in jeans and a chunky grey zip necked woollen jumper, the toddler at her side and wrapped in a big warm red coat and wellies. It was the time of year for knitwear and Caroline was sporting a chunky white cardigan with her jeans. Even flora had a knitted jumper on under her pink coat.

Gillian was grinning with that beautiful big face splitting smile she had (but never used enough) and looked full of nervous energy. The farmer practically bounced from foot to foot as she waited for Caroline to climb out of the jeep. 

“Here pass us some of your bags” Gillian offered.

“Flora’s stuff is in the boot if you want to grab that?” Caroline replied.

Whilst Caroline helped Flora out of the car the brunette retrieved Flora’s bag, her travel bed and her bedding - loading herself up like a pack horse. Caroline smiled at Gillian’s lazy mans load but didn’t comment. Instead she grabbed her own bag and the canvas shopping bag with the wine and nibbles in, following Gillian and the two children (who were holding hands) into the house. Gillian disappeared upstairs to Calamity’s room with Flora’s things, so Caroline put the canvas bag on a kitchen unit and her own bag on a side table. When Gillian didn’t immediately reappear, she presumed the other woman was setting the travel bed up now and helped Calamity and Flora out of their coats and shoes.

By the time Gillian returned downstairs – which was only a matter of minutes – the two girls had settled on the rug in the living room playing together with a wooden kitchen set and Caroline had boiled the kettle and made them both a mug of tea. The other woman had started to preheat the oven before she arrived, so Caroline was just putting the two pizza’s in when she heard Gillian ungracefully thud down the stairs.

“Food will be twenty-five minutes” Caroline stated as Gillian came into the kitchen area.

The brunette turned her head in the direction of the kids, ensuring they were happily playing, before grasping Caroline’s hand and pulling her in the direction of the wall by the table – just out of view of the girls. From the glint in her eye and the way she was looking at Caroline, the blonde was sure of her intent. Gillian pressed her back against the wall, one hand wrapping around the base of Caroline’s skull whilst the other rested against her hip. Gillian’s eyes dropped to Caroline’s lips before the farmer leant forward and covered Caroline’s mouth with her own.

The kiss was slow, sweet and exploratory. Caroline pulled the other woman’s body as close as possible and let herself drown in the kiss as Gillian’s tongue began to map the contours of her mouth. It was less rushed than the previous two occasions and although Caroline had enjoyed the desperate and passionate nature to those kisses there was something more intimate and moving about the one they shared now.

When they pulled back though she was concerned to see Gillian nervously chewing her lip. Caroline had a moments dread that the other woman was going to write it all off as a bad idea but then, before she could protest, Gillian revealed the reason for her nerves.

“Raff knows” the other woman suddenly blurted out, before quietening her voice to continue - “he guessed the other day, when you were here.”

Caroline wanted to laugh with a relief that the catastrophic issue she was expecting had turned out to be something so trivial. If Gillian thought it might worry Caroline that her son knew, what an earth was she going to make of the blonde’s story.

“Everyone knows” Caroline chuckled.

Gillian looked at her blankly, her brow wrinkling in confusion.

“My mother figured us out on boxing day and therefore, ipso facto, everyone now knows” she continued.

Gillian’s face looked like it was doing the fandango as she processed the news. The other woman knew as well as anyone that Celia found it impossible to keep a secret and tended to blurt things to the wrong people – or just anyone and everyone who would listen. Caroline decided to flesh out the story a bit, after all, it had all ended up being rather amusing.

“She told your dad…obviously – who thinks its lovely by the way. Then, when I went to see you the other day she told William that she was thrilled I had obviously taken her advice and that I was going to tell you how I felt…” Caroline started – only to be interrupted by a startled Gillian.

“Taken her advice?!” the other woman cut in.

Caroline wondered if Gillian was more shocked by the fact Caroline had obviously had a conversation with Celia about it all or it was just the suggestion that she may actually have listen to anything her mother said and acted upon it. Caroline was still in a state of shock that Celia had been so accepting and she’d had days to process it.

“I might have poured my heart out on the phone to her when I was worried you were avoiding me and never going to speak to me again” she explained awkwardly, before moving the conversation on - “anyway, that’s a story for another time.”

Gillian gazed at her in a way that made her look dumb struck, but Caroline was too busy recounting the story to stop and consider why Gillian was so surprised.

“So, then Lawrence made some comment to me about how I wasn’t shagging anyone at the moment and that I must be getting old…so William told him not to be so coarse…and that I wasn’t old, and I am shagging you” the blonde recounted.

Gillian let out an undignified snort in surprise and amusement. Caroline knew the other woman would appreciate the story – if only for the swearing. Whatever happened with Raff, she was sure it was a lot more sedate.

“I did point out that he was also now being coarse and that we hadn’t actually shagged yet” Caroline added.

She hadn’t known how to respond at the time – whether she should shout at them or just let it go. The teacher in her had reared its head though and she’d simply ended up correcting them. It had been quite effective in breaking up their argument though because William had laughed, and Lawrence had stared at her for a good minute, his jaw virtually hitting the ground. When he finally did speak he had said that he shouldn’t have really been surprised after Christmas Day and shrugged. It wasn’t exactly an exuberate offering of his blessing, but it also wasn’t the terrible reaction that she had expected from him.

“Wow!” Gillian exclaimed after several long seconds – “everyone really does know.”

Caroline couldn’t help but pull Gillian in close again and swiftly kiss her. Enjoying a few more seconds of affection before their focus needed to return to the two toddlers.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

By eight the two youngsters were finally starting to flag. They had gotten themselves to hyped up after dinner that both Gillian and Caroline had been worried they would be up until all hours. The girls had enjoyed their pizza – Gillian had bought a plain cheese and tomato and a ham and pineapple for the kids but had also bought a more expensive goats’ cheese and vegetable pizza for her and Caroline to tuck into. Well, Gillian had helped herself to a piece of all three, but she had thought Caroline may pass out at the idea of eating a meal with no vegetables involved.

As it was, the blonde hadn’t made any complaints regarding the pizza and the two women had washed it down with a nice glass of one of the red wines that Caroline and brought with her. It was a Penfolds GSM and probably cost half a day of Gillian’s salary. According to the other woman it was the perfect wine to compliment pizza. She’d briefly wondered if Caroline had gone as far as to google it or if it was something the blonde’s ex bit of young fluff (more commonly known as Olga) had taught her. She’d quickly cast off all thoughts of the young and attractive wine merchant – someone she’d been incredibly jealous of at a time she was really starting to understand her own feelings for Caroline.

Anyway, after the pizza they had ate the deserts Gillian had bought. For Calamity and Flora, it had been a pot of ‘chocolate trifle’ each and she and Caroline had shared a raspberry panna cotta. She’d turned her nose up at the desert when Caroline had ordered it whilst they were out once. After some persistent persuasion the blonde had gotten her to try a mouthful and she had conceded that despite its pretentious name it was very good. Tonight, she knew it had been a good choice when Caroline’s face lit up at the sight of it. Probably because the other woman was thrilled she was broadening her horizon’s and all that jazz. They were even drinking their wine out of Gillian’s new indestructible wine glasses. It was almost civilized – if you ignored the two toddlers who had managed to smear cream and chocolate mousse all over their faces and clothing whilst her and Caroline were making eyes at each other over the table.

They had made the sensible decision to bath both kids and change them into pyjama’s after they ate. That way when they finally calmed the two children could be stuck straight into bed, no messing and no chance of them livening up again after a refreshing wash. Gillian had spent a chunk of the evening constructing and playing with a marble run. Flora, the younger of the two, was a little young to have something as small as marbles without some serious supervision. The girls had thoroughly loved playing with it and Gillian had quite enjoyed it too. Their reactions were a joy to watch and Caroline’s constant attention made her feel warm and emboldened. She could feel the blonde’s eyes on her at all times and had made sure to stretch out in such a way that gave Caroline an optimal view of her.

Eventually the girls had gotten bored of the game and after helping to clear it up, Caroline had found a less energetic and more wholesome (and educational activity) to do with them. It was a large floor jigsaw puzzle with number and pictures of animals. Gillian had excused herself to top up their wine and clean the dishes in the kitchen. Then at eight o’clock Caroline had put on the news, suggesting the girls could see some fireworks before they went to bed. Sure enough, BBC news was showing a segment of the display in the United Arab Emirates which was spectacular enough to wow both girls.

They sat on the floor in front of the TV whilst Caroline joined Gillian on the old leather sofa. The blonde was close enough for their shoulders and hips to be brushing together and a minute into the display Caroline had rested her palm flat against her thigh.

“Bed after this I think” the blonde leant nearer and whispered.

 Gillian nodded affirmatively. She was pretty sure they would go to sleep now because as raptly as they were watching the TV there was a much more relaxed and sleepier atmosphere in the room now. In fact, Flora was leaning against Calamity’s side like she may fall asleep on her.

“It’s good they get on so well” Gillian smiled.

There was a small age gap between them, which at this young age was obviously more exaggerated then it would be in a few years’ time. However, it didn’t seem to stop them playing peacefully together and enjoying themselves.

“You’re really good with her…Flora” Caroline marvelled - “she’s always going on about you. She has been so excited about tonight all day.”

Gillian blushed at the compliment – very aware that a good relationship with Caroline’s daughter would work in her favour if she was to convince the blonde to make a serious go of them. It was possibly the only thing in her favour, that and the fact Caroline seemed to be genuinely physically attracted to her.

“Next year we should take them to a fireworks display” the other women continued when Gillian didn’t immediately answer.

Gillian felt a flutter in her chest at the idea of them spending next New Year’s together. It fed that bit of hope she had been harbouring for months and made her feel almost delirious. It wasn’t the first time she’d had the feeling because of Caroline and unfortunately (like those other times), her mouth started to run away with her.

“Raff asked me if we were going to have fireworks tonight” she babbled - “I said that I really hoped so, but I wasn’t waiting until midnight. I don’t think he was sure whether to laugh or cry.”

Gillian came to an awkward halt at the end of the sentence. She had basically just admitted to Caroline that she wanted/intended to sleep with the other woman tonight. Everything inside her seemed to freeze as she panicked about how Caroline might react and if it was too much too soon. But then Caroline face was blooming into a big beautiful smile, her blue eyes twinkling with amusement. Gillian could see her pupils had dilated though and her hand frozen and clenched into a fist against the farmer’s leg. Gillian was no fool – she could recognise arousal when she saw it. If it hadn’t been for the two girls sat only a couple of feet away she’d have pressed Caroline back against the sofa and ravished her immediately.

They both held each other’s gaze, smiling softly, for several long seconds. The tension was suddenly broken though when the fireworks on screen stopped. The political drama surrounding Theresa May didn’t hold the kids’ interest in quite the same way as the pyrotechnics and the two girls were instantly moving about again. Caroline leant in close enough for her mouth to brush the shell of Gillian’s ear.

“We will revisit this conversation after these two monsters are asleep” the blonde whispered.

Gillian felt the words right down to the pit of her stomach. She had no time to enjoy Caroline’s proximity before the blonde was on her feet and shuffling the children towards the stairs.

“Come on you two” the other woman instructed – “It is most certainly time for you to go to bed.”

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

By the time Caroline got back downstairs after putting both girls to bed, Gillian had opened another bottle of wine (this time the Rioja Gran Reserva) as well as the large pack of sea salt and vinegar crisps.  Caroline had the distinct impression that the other woman was trying to impress her because the packet had been emptied into a large bowl – which was very civilised for Gillian.

The fire was still blazing but as the evening was wearing on there was a chill starting to nip in the air as the temperature outside plummeted. Gillian had unfolded an old knitted throw blanket and was currently sat on the sofa, glass in hand with one end of the blanket pulled over her knees. Caroline picked up her own glass from the coffee table and sat down next to the other woman, pulling the other half of the blanket over her own knees. There was an old movie playing on the TV, volume turned low, so it was still audible but not overwhelming. It looked familiar, but Caroline couldn’t place it.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“An Affair to Remember” Gillian replied between sips of her red wine - “It’s a classic New Year’s Eve movie.

“I think I saw this years ago” Caroline mused.

Her mother had a fondness for Cary Grant, like many of her generation, so Caroline had seen many of his better known (and some lesser known) movies when growing up. She’d never been a big movie person anyway and didn’t see any real charm in these outdated ‘classics’. She often just found them cringeworthy but had sat through a couple – namely ‘Gone with the Wind’ and ‘Casablanca’ – with Kate.

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories...we've already missed the spring!” Gillian imitated.

Caroline didn’t recognise it, but she presumed it was a line from the film. The other woman seemed to be compendium of movie plots and quotes. They seemed to be from a vast range of films too – not just one or two genres. At first, she’d found it a bit irksome especially as the references usually had to be explained to her but then it had become endearing. The turning point had occurred after Gillian had confided in her about Eddie. She’d started to understand that immersing herself in films had been an escape from real life for the other woman.

“I have no idea where you store all these quotes” Caroline chuckled – drawing a bashful grin from the other woman.

She knew bits and pieces about teenage Gillian – the abortion, the subsequent rebellion, the fact she stopped applying herself in school and then dropped out as soon as possible. It was a pity because the farmer was an intelligent woman. She seemed to be able to commit a lot of information to memory, was witty and well read (something that had caught Caroline by surprise). Gillian suited the outdoors though and Caroline couldn’t imagine her in any other type of job. The idea of Gillian being tied to a desk job was almost comical. She’d have been climbing the walls within the first day.

There was a comfortable silence as the two sipped on their drinks and ate the crisps. They were about twenty minutes into the movie when Gillian slipped her hand into Caroline’s – interlocking their fingers together. She smiled at the affection, wondering how long Gillian had been pondering the move before actually making it. Caroline rewarded her bravery by brushing the pad of her thumb over the rougher skin of the farmers hand.

Gillian’s eyes flickered closed, leaving Caroline a moment to admire the other woman without it being blatant. When Gillian’s eyes opened again the brunette turned her head to look at Caroline, eyes inquisitive and teeth worrying her lower lip, leaving her to wonder what tornado of thoughts were swirling in the other woman’s mind.

“You know you didn’t tell me” Gillian said quietly.

Caroline looked at the other woman blankly, trying desperately to rack her brain for what the other woman was referring to. Gillian could obviously sense her confusion and took a steadying breath before ploughing on. There was a serious look in her eyes that made Caroline sit a bit straighter and she angled her body towards the brunette.

“Your mother said you were coming here to tell me how you felt about me…but you didn’t tell me” the farmer clarified.

“No” Caroline sighed – “I was going to tell you, but the Raff arrived, and it was no longer an appropriate topic of conversation.”

Caroline hadn’t expected the other woman to be so direct - hadn’t known what to expect out of their relationship now they had kissed. She had thought it more likely that Gillian would like to creep around in secret for a while, but that ship had sailed as soon as her mother had guessed what was going on. Gillian wanting to talk it all over sensibly hadn’t been a connotation that Caroline had considered. She wasn’t good at talking about feelings but with the other woman looking at her imploringly she had to try. She suspected it would shatter any confidence Gillian had in the situation if she avoided the question and the last thing she wanted was to be the source of hurt. The other woman had been hurt enough over the years.

“When I’m with you I feel happier…lighter…more alive” Caroline breathed.

The farmer gazed at her, rapt, and took a heavy breath which hitched in the back of her throat. Caroline’s own confidence was shaky at best when it came to expressing feelings, but she ploughed on, determined to be as open as Gillian deserved.

“I’ve spent months trying to ignore it, scared you didn’t feel the same” she continued - “yet as much as I have tried to ignore how I was feeling it just kept getting stronger and stronger until I felt like my heart would explode if I carried on trying to hide it.”

Caroline paused to draw breath – to steady herself before going in for the big announcement. She could feel her heart racing violently in her chest and her hands were lightly shaking – something Gillian would be able to feel considering one of Caroline’s hands was clasped in the other woman’s. She couldn’t remember ever being this nervous before. When she’d confessed things to Kate, and once upon an age ago John, she’d usually known how they would be received. Both had been obvious in their devotion – there had never been any uncertainty about how strongly they felt, only if she felt the same (or enough) and both had told her first. Yet with Gillian, Caroline seemed to be leading proceedings and that was terrifying new ground.

“I love you” Caroline proclaimed, her voice holding much steadier than she felt - “I love everything about you, the good and the disastrous.”

The room was totally still around them, the only sound was that of the fire cracking and the movie playing on low volume in the background. The film was lost on them both now as they sat staring at each other.

Gillian’s face seemed to flicker from surprised to an amazed kind of awe, but the other woman remained motionless, a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Caroline worried at her lower lip with her teeth – waiting for some sort of verbal or physical response.

“Y…you…you do?” Gillian finally stuttered.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the other woman would struggle to get her head around the notion of being loved. Robbie had surely made a similar declaration, but his ‘love’ had been stifling and controlling. Caroline had no desire to control Gillian or to change her. She meant what she had said – that she loved the brunette for simply being herself.

She reached out with her free hand and gently cupped Gillian’s cheek – relieved when the other woman closed her eyes and leant into the contact. She slowly caressed the other woman’s cheek with her thumb, silently trying to convey her affection in actions too.

“I wouldn’t say it is it wasn’t true” Caroline promised.

Gillian’s eyes flickered open again and stared deep into Caroline’s own eyes – seeming to find truth there. Then, before Caroline could say anything else to encourage her, Gillian was scrambling across the last bit of distance between them to kiss her.

Gillian’s practically collided with her, causing the blonde to sink back against the arm of the sofa as the other woman moved to straddle her. Gillian’s arms planted against the arm of the sofa as she kissed Caroline hurriedly and a little desperately. She buried one of her hands in the farmers hair and looped the other around a knitwear covered back.

After the initial burst of messy vigour, Gillian slowed the kiss, languidly exploring Caroline’s mouth. It was different from the previous kisses they had shared. She could feel the adoration that Gillian was pouring into the kiss, a physical response to her verbal declaration, leaving Caroline breathless.

Gillian broke the kiss, leaving them both panting and red faced. The brunette only pulled back enough to look into Caroline’s eyes, caressing the line of her jaw with the fingertips of one hand. It was hard to explain the colour of Gillian’s eyes in any average moment, but they were truly vibrant now, and seemed to contain flecks of virtually every colour under the rainbow. Her hair was tussled, making her look a little wild and utterly beautiful.

Caroline ran her hands down the other woman’s back, stopping at the hem at the bottom of Gillian’s jumper. She hooked her thumbs under the knitted top and slowly started to work it up her torso. The brunette sat up slightly and raised her arms above her head, so Caroline could pull it over her head and discard it on the floor at the side of the sofa. Gillian was wearing one of those white vest tops’ she had sported the last time Caroline had been at the farm and it drew a smile from the blonde.

“You seemed to appreciate the look” Gillian chuckled – her voice a little lower and breathier than usual.

Caroline dragged her hands down the material, from the other woman’s shoulder’s, skimming the edge of her breasts and down her abdomen. It drew a shaky breath from Gillian and she watched as the farmer slowly swallowed, the flickering of the muscles of her neck drawing Caroline’s eyes down.

“I did” she husked – “I do.”

Gillian smiled in response and reached down, slowly starting to unbutton Caroline’s cardigan. The brunette dipped down and brushed her lips over Caroline’s as she undid the top, before guiding her to sit up. Caroline happily obeyed, allowing Gillian to remove the item before kissing her again. The other woman’s hands found the bottom of her long-sleeved top before tugging it up and over Caroline’s head. The farmer’s white vest was the next item of clothing to be removed and Caroline pressed their upper bodies together, revelling into the skin to skin contact.

“Come to bed with me” Gillian pleaded – brushing her nose affectionately against Caroline’s.

Her mouth went dry at the prospect of making love to Gillian. All she could do to respond was nod slowly. It was enough encouragement for the farmer who scrambled to her feet and held her hand out to Caroline. She grasped the offered hand and stood up, stopping to kiss Gillian one more time before following her up the stairs.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Gillian still couldn’t believe her good fortune as Caroline pushed her back against the bed and kissed her with a thirst that made her head spin. They had removed the rest of each other’s clothing as soon as they reached her bedroom and where now pressed gloriously naked against each other. It had been two decades since Gillian had been with a woman and she’d forgotten how much smoother and softer their bodies were. She was sure it hadn’t felt quite this good back in her twenties but then those women just didn’t compare to Caroline.

There had been no feelings only attraction whereas with Caroline there was oodles of both. Gillian wondered how long it would take for the blonde’s words to truly sink in because she had not expected a declaration of love. She’d dreamt that Caroline could feel that strongly about her, but thought it was a fool’s dream. Now it was a reality she could barely keep her hands still, desperate to map and learn every inch of the other woman.

Caroline seemed determined to make her own journey of discovery and started kissing down Gillian’s neck – quickly finding a sensitive spot and paying it extra attention with her teeth, then soothing it with her tongue. Gillian curled her toes into the mattress, trying not to writhe too much under the blonde’s administrations. A task that became progressively harder when Caroline’s talented mouth descended lower over her collarbones and chest, before lavishing attention on her right breast.

Gillian buried her right hand in Caroline’s hair, using the other to grasp at the headboard of the bed. She was seeking something, anything, to ground her so the experience didn’t pass by in a blink of an eye. She tried to keep her eyes open and watch the blonde as much as possible, desperate to commit every detail to memory.

As Caroline switched her attention to Gillian’s left breast, the blonde’s right hand trailed downwards until it cupped Gillian’s sex. She was soaking already, and they had barely gotten started, she could feel slickness on the skin between her own thighs. Her own moan was matched by Caroline’s, the sound being muffled slightly by Gillian’s breast but the vibrations sending a pleasant wave of sensation right down to the pit of her stomach.

Caroline continued to bite and suck on her breasts as she slowly ran her finger through Gillian’s folds – drawing the moisture upwards and onto the farmers sensitive and swollen clit. Her hips reared up as soon as the blonde began to slowly circle her fingertip around it, drawing a smile from Caroline that she could feel against the soft skin of the side of her breast. Her hips bucked again, and she let out a very audible moan when Caroline circled directly onto the sensitive body part.

The blonde finally broke away from lavishing her breasts and crawled up enough to kiss Gillian heatedly whilst she continued to stroke her at a maddeningly slow pace. The farmer readily responded, instantly opening her mouth to Caroline so the other woman could explore her mouth as thoroughly as she had other areas of Gillian’s anatomy. The hand that had been exploring her most intimate areas crept lower, two fingers now sliding through her heat until reaching their goal. When Caroline pushed both finger’s inside her, tortuously slowly knuckle deep, Gillian had to break the kiss and slam her eyes shut.

“Oh yes” she moaned – sliding the hand that had been in Caroline’s hair around the other woman’s shoulders and pulling their upper bodies as physically close as possible.

The blonde started to move in and out of her at a steady pace, each thrust firm, Caroline’s fingers curling every time they reached their deepest point. It felt sensational and Gillian chased the feeling by rocking her hips into the thrusts, increasing the force and depth further.

“You look so fucking beautiful” Caroline husked.

The blonde’s words encouraged Gillian to open her eyes again and she marvelled at the absolute honesty in the azure blue eyes she found shining back at her. She felt like the luckiest person in the whole world – and couldn’t recall having ever truly felt like that before in her whole life. It was a little overwhelming and she stretched up and kissed Caroline again, desperate to convey how she was feeling whilst words currently failed her. The kiss was messier than before and a little sloppy, wilder in the heat of the moment as they both concentrated on other sensations.

This time it was Caroline who broke the kiss, her mouth descending Gillian’s body at what seemed like break neck speed. The farmer barely realised what was happening before Caroline’s hot mouth joined her hands – latching onto Gillian’s clit and sucking as her fingers began to pump at an increased velocity.

“Jesus Caroline” she cried out – a little too loudly considering their where youngsters just across the hall.

Gillian knew she was fucked now – she wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer with Caroline’s talented mouth and tongue working absolute wonders on her. Her fingers dug almost painfully into the headboard and she bit down on her own lip to try and stifle any pleasured sounds enough not to wake up the household.


	7. Another Year is Dawning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. I know it was all a little plot-lite and fluff heavy!

Gillian had only been asleep for a few hours before waking again. It was still dark – a quick glance across the bed at her old digital alarm clock informed her that it was only just gone six. It was unlikely that either toddler would be up for a couple of hours and Gillian was in no rush to thrust herself out of bed this morning and feed sheep at the crack of dawn. Not when she had a naked Caroline Dawson lying next to her.  
Warm memories of the night before flooded her consciousness. They had ravished each other for hours in a way that she had never experienced before. Gillian had always found the term ‘making love’ cliché but after last night she was a believer. Every touch and kiss had reinforced Caroline’s declaration of love. She hoped that Caroline felt it too even if she hadn’t been brave enough to say it in words yet.  
The blonde was still asleep – lying on her left side so she was facing Gillian, her hand resting in the small space between them. Gillian could just about make out her features in the dark and she reached out her own hand to lightly trace a pattern from the other woman’s temple, down over her cheek and across her jaw. She was sure she could easily get addicted to waking up like this and to showering the other woman with affection.   
Caroline started to rouse under the tender touches. Gillian froze, her fingertips resting on Caroline’s cheek, worried that she would appear creepy because she was watching the other woman sleep. However, when the blonde lazily smiled and opened her eyes, Gillian felt confident enough to continue.  
“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you” she apologised.  
“S’ok” Caroline responded – her voice thick with sleep.   
The blonde shuffled closer in the bed so they were pressed together and flung her arm around Gillian’s waist. She responded by wrapping both arms around Caroline’s shoulders and pulling her in close – so the other woman’s head was cradled between her shoulder and neck. They fit well together, something Gillian would have scoffed at after they first met. It was funny looking back – how they had verbally scrapped over a car parking space, oblivious to who each other’s parent was. She was sure she’d never truly let the blonde live down the fact she called her ‘brain dead, lowlife trailer-trash’.   
“This might be my new favourite thing” Caroline purred - “although that thing you did with your tongue last night was rather spectacular too.”  
Gillian laughed lightly and placed a soft kiss on the other woman’s temple. Caroline had been surprised when she’d been so eager to go down on her. She had never disclosed much about her sexual history (especially when Caroline was so aware of her more recent errors) so the other woman had been unaware that it wasn’t her first time at the rodeo. Gillian also knew plenty about what felt good and had used all her previous experience to good effect – more than once – over the course of several hours.  
“I think you’ll find that was technically this morning” Gillian smirked.   
“Our midnight fireworks display” the blonde quipped – “Raff will be so proud.”  
Gillian through her head back and laughed. She would definitely be sparing her son any details if he asked how her night went. No doubt he would know from the fact she was deliriously happy – something the poor lad had never seen – that her and Caroline had spent the night ‘together’.   
Caroline smiled against her neck before kissing it – instantly finding the spot she had discovered the night before that had made Gillian melt. The farmer hummed contentedly and wrapped her arms tighter around the blonde. She could really get used to waking up like this, if only it was that simple. It would be easy to date, they had practically been doing that anyway – seeing each other once of twice a week. Anything more serious though seemed logistically impossible because Caroline’s life and work was now in Huddersfield and Gillian was stuck here. If she didn’t have the farm, then she had nothing. She’d be lucky to get a job in McDonalds with the kind of references she could muster up.  
Caroline must have felt her tense because the blonde halted her re-explorations of Gillian’s neck and shuffled so they were face to face. Her bright blue eyes searching Gillian’s own to make sure everything was okay. The farmer smiled and tenderly stroked Caroline’s hair to reassure her. It was no use worrying about the future now, there was plenty of time later for that.   
“Do you need to get up?” Caroline asked.  
“Not yet” Gillian assured her.   
The blonde’s responding smile was wicked and left Gillian in no doubt of her intentions. Suddenly the farmer found herself flat on her back with Caroline hovering over her, a look of hunger in darkening blue eyes.  
“Good” the blonde smirked. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Caroline was practically skipping around Gillian’s kitchen, full of cheer despite the fact she was wrapped up in her cardigan and coat just to keep the chill of her. Gillian had lit the fire in the living room just before heading out to feed her flock of sheep. It was finally starting to kick of a bit of heat, as was the Aga cooker which Caroline was using to make coffee and then she intended to cook them all some sausage and eggs for breakfast.   
It was just after nine and amazingly the two girls were still asleep upstairs. They hadn’t gone to bed late but had obviously worn each other out. Caroline felt pretty worn out too but for very different reasons. She had been awake till late and then up early enjoying some bedroom gymnastics with Gillian. Her body pleasantly ached after all that exercise, a reminder of the night that would last a couple of days no doubt.   
She wondered what her mum and Alan would make of it all now that her and Gillian were together? If they were together – they hadn’t really had that conversation. Celia had seemed supportive of the prospect of a relationship between the two, but Caroline knew that could change like the wind. The only thing she had ever known her mother to be consistent about was Alan. Caroline hoped he would approve at least – that he’d think her a positive influence on his daughter and not another disaster blowing into Gillian’s messy life.   
The front door opened, letting a cold blast of air into the room before Gillian slammed it shut behind her. Caroline cringed at the loud sound, expecting the sound of cries to resound from upstairs at any moment. Nothing came though, and Gillian kicked of her boots, chucked her gloves off, hung her jacket up and unzipped the top of her overalls. Today she had several more layers on under the black material, including jeans and a green zip up hoodie.  
“Its bloody freezing out there this morning” Gillian complained as she finished removing the outer layers.  
“Its not much better in here” Caroline pointed out.   
Gillian looked around the room self-consciously before dipping her head. Caroline hadn’t meant to make her feel self-conscious, she knew that Gillian always worried that her and her mother looked down at the drafty old farm house because of what they were used to living in. She had looked down upon it that first time they visited, and it had all been a bit of a disaster. Then, after spending the night there when Alan and her mum went missing, her opinion had evolved. It had its own charm about it and the view from the front door was spectacular. It was very Gillian and that had been the first time some real fondness for the farmer had crept in – a fondness that had stuck despite their many ups and downs at first. Stuck and grown, exponentially.   
“So, come here and warm me up” Caroline prompted.  
Gillian closed the distance between them and Caroline grasped at the material of the hoodie, pulling the farmer in close and kissing her soundly. It was slow and soft and for a few moments the whole world felt like it had fallen away. She brushed her thumb across Gillian’s cheek, her body shivering as the other woman ran her hand down Caroline’s spine.  
The whistling of the kettle caused them to break apart and Caroline quickly pecked the other woman’s lips one last time before returning to the Aga. She set about making them both a drink. Gillian lingered quietly behind until Caroline passed her a steaming mug of strong coffee. She could tell there was something on the other woman’s mind from the way she was chewing at the inside of her cheek and staring. She leant back against the unit, holding her own mug between both hands, and waited for Gillian to tell her what was troubling her.  
“Is this wise?” the farmer finally stammered.   
Caroline had been expecting this at some point – for the doubt and the fear to kick in. She was just relieved that Gillian was facing that fear head on and not pretending everything is fine until she left for home – and then avoiding her for as long as possible. Plus, Caroline could see plenty of logic in the question – after all, she had been asking herself the same thing for months. They seemed to be totally opposed in personality, equally disastrous in their love lives and related through marriage to boot. Caroline believed they could work though and was determined to prove to the other woman how serious she was about giving them a real go – a fighting chance at happiness.   
“It is better to love wisely, no doubt: but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all” the blonde cited.

“Are you quoting Vanity Fair at me?!” Gillian exclaimed.

Caroline was a little surprised the other woman recognised the reference so quickly. It wasn’t a complete shock though as she learnt the other woman read quite a bit years ago. It had been one of her favourite reads at one point during the early years of her marriage. John has derided her for it frequently for some reason, just like he had mocked her for re-reading the Jane Austin books again. Just more evidence of his general fuckery that she had put up with for far too long. Ah well, onwards and upwards. 

“I am” Caroline chuckled.

She wasn’t even sure if the quote was relevant anymore. Perhaps it would be to others looking in – others may think it was a foolish match. On paper they seemed ill fitted and they shared a slightly chequered history. The world, nature – it was full of things that started as one thing and then evolved or grew into something beautiful. The Statue of Liberty started as dirty rock in the ground. It didn’t just happen overnight. It had taken masses of work to not only mine the ore but then sculpture it. Life evolved from single celled bacterium and branched off into millions of amazing and varied other creatures. It wasn’t how something started that was important – the journey was in the end irrelevant. It was what you became or where you ended up that mattered. 

“I meant what I said last night” Caroline promised - “I love you and I want to be with you.”

Gillian looked just as flawed on hearing it for a second time as she did last night when the blonde had first told her. Caroline made a mental note to herself to tell the other woman how she felt at least once a day, every day, for the rest of their lives. Gillian deserved that – and probably needed it too. 

“I don’t know nowt but farming and I can’t got and work in a store full time it would kill me” the brunette stammered.

Caroline knew that this was one of the biggest stumbling blocks. Their current set up meant visiting each other a couple of times a week was easy enough, but a committed relationship would require more than that. Caroline required more than that - she wanted to spend her evenings with the other woman, fall asleep in her arms and wake each morning with her. Last night had given her a taste of what it could be like and she wanted it so badly. 

“I can’t see you and Flora coming to live here and anyway, it’s too far to commute” Gillian continued hastily - “and I couldn’t ask you to change jobs again, not after you have just gotten really settled in this one.”

The brunette farmer had dropped eye contact mid-sentence and was nervously looking at her own hands. When Gillian was worried she fidgeted, often picking at the skin around her nails or wringing her hands together. Caroline had seen it again and again over the years. The other woman was being practical though – it made no sense for Caroline to move in to the farm and Gillian would be like a fish out of water in her current. There was only one solution. If Gillian didn’t believe that she was one hundred percent serious about giving them a proper go after this, then the situation was probably hopeless. 

“Then meet me half way” Caroline suggested.

The brunette looked up at her questioningly, clearly confused by her words. It wasn’t the clearest way she could have put it to the other woman, so Caroline took a deep breath and explained. In for a penny – in for a sodding pound.

“There must be sheep farms for sale around Huddersfield” she shrugged. 

Gillian’s eyes went wide, and her mouth dropped open. Caroline wished she had a camera to record the moment because it was quite frankly priceless. It was often either of them was stunned to silence. The brunette didn’t look horrified by the suggestion – surprised yes, but Caroline could see the hope in Gillian’s expression too. 

“Are you…are you being serious?!” the brunette finally stammered.

“I think we could be really happy” Caroline replied - “and don’t you think you’ve lived with ghosts long enough?” 

The brunette’s eyes met her own, bright and glistening with emotion. There was a barely perceptible nod of the head before a single tear ran from both eyes. Caroline reached both hands up and brushed away the tears with the pad of her thumbs. She cupped the other woman’s face in her hands – the tenderness of it causing Gillian’s eyes to slide closed. 

This farm – it may have been Gillian’s home for years, but it had also been her prison. It had kept her shackled to memories of an abusive husband and all the guilt and shame she felt for how she had finally put and end to it. They could start again, together, somewhere that was only theirs. Caroline knew how freeing that could feel after moving away from the home that held bad memories of John and sad memories of Kate. It was the perfect solution. It would take a bit of effort to put both houses on the market, but the outcome could be bloody brilliant.

“I’ll be close to work, you’ll still have your damn sheep but with the added bonus of a decent heating system and double glazing” the blonde added.

That drew a shuddering laugh from Gillian and when the brunette opened her eyes there was joy, matched by a face splittingly wide smile. God, Caroline really did love it when the other woman smiled like that.

She was about to make another joke about the water pressure in the farm (or serious lack of it), but her words were cut off by Gillian stepping forward and kissing her soundly. The smaller woman’s arms wrapped around her neck and pulled her in close. Caroline responded eagerly, kissing the other woman back just as enthusiastically and wrapping her arms around Gillian’s back so they were completely pressed together. When the kiss ended they remained wrapped around each other, foreheads pressed together, and eyes locked on each other.

“Yes” Gillian declared – “yes to half way, yes to us – yes to all of it.”

Caroline’s heart swelled at her words and she pulled the other woman into a tight hug. Caroline broke out into a laugh – a genuine, happy, slightly emotionally blown away laugh. Gillian clung onto her just as tightly and laughed too. All the months of confusion and longing fell away into one perfect moment. 

When the laughter died down the brunette pulled back, so they were looking at each other again. The smile was still there was also a serious look gracing her beautiful features. 

“I love you too” Gillian said softly.

Caroline’s breath caught in the back of her throat at the admission. When she had told Gillian, she loved her the night before the response had not been a verbal one. The way the other woman had kissed her, held her and made love to her had been answer enough. Caroline had felt it and hadn’t worried too much that Gillian hadn’t said it in return. Knowing it was one thing – hearing it was quite another. It completely blew her away, more than she’d have expected. Perhaps because it had been said so earnestly and so openly. It wasn’t a shy declaration, there was no flickering loss of eye contact like the other woman usually did when nervous. It was an open, honest, confident and heartfelt declaration of love. It was fucking wonderful.

“So you should!” Caroline managed to choke out – “I just agreed to live on a fucking sheep farm for you!”

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback always welcome x


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